Your Day

It’s graduation time!  Congratulations to all the graduates!  Graduation is one of those rites of passage.  It means you accomplished your goal…and it can be for anything…swim classes, language classes, high school, college, wedding, etc.  It is a wonderful time!

Going through this rite of passage is hard with an N in your life.   Your Day becomes eaten up by the N and they can somehow suck the joy you feel with a few strategically placed words at the right time.

A post came through on Facebook about graduation a few days ago that reminded me of their subtle evilness:

I just graduated with my BSN (bachelor) and I’m going to start my MS (master) in the fall!

Comments from friends:

‘Congratulations!’

‘Way to go’

‘Congrats!’

‘That’s terrific’

‘Congrats!’

‘strong work…make sure you take a break’

‘I am happy for you’

‘Congratulations!’

‘Woooohoooo!’

I’ll let you guess which comment came from the N friend.  It is uncanny how they can some how take a joyful, happy moment and turn it into something else.  The days you are supposed to be just happy…the moments when you are in the moment…you don’t think about anything else like the future…you are just happy you accomplished it.  The next steps and all that is for tomorrow are not on your mind…today is your day.

I share with you my graduation day with my narcissistic mother.

I remembered the days leading up to my high school graduation ceremony.  My mom took me shopping and picked out the dress for me.  It wasn’t what I liked but remember thinking…at least I got a new dress.  On the morning of the ceremony I was getting ready and putting on my dress and my mom came into my room.  She was upset.

I don’t actually remember the details of what she was upset about but I remember her leaving my room and going downstairs.  I believe she was upset that I wasn’t wearing pantyhose with the dress (I have eczema on my legs and I think she wanted me to cover it up on a hot day!). I  ran downstairs to talk to her and she is standing at the bottom of the stairs.  She starts yelling and then I start yelling.  And at a certain moment my mom goes into another room.  All I remember is sitting at the bottom of the steps crying in my new dress.  I sat there crying and upset and feeling awful.  I had done something wrong.  My dad begged me not to make her more upset.  He was pleading with me to not provoke her on a day like this.  I just continued to cry.

All of a sudden my mom comes into the room and says we need to leave now.  We drove to the ceremony in silence and I was no longer looking forward to this event.  I was upset and angry.  The ceremony went smoothly and I spoke with my friends, took pictures (not really smiling), etc.  All the time feeling awful about the fight with my mom and what I had done to upset her so badly.  It was a horrible day that sticks out in my memory.

When it came time to my university graduation I didn’t bother to go or have my parents come to the university.  It was like any other day.  I was somehow ensuring that the same thing wouldn’t happen by not doing anything enjoyable to celebrate this happy moment in my life.  In the end I was preventing a repeat performance by punishing myself.

I looked up the root ‘grad’ today and found out it means progress as well as grade.  It sounded nice…progress…I think whatever next graduation I attend…a friend’s, my own children’s…I hope to have made progress…I hope to have graduated from my NM.  To all those future graduates of NMs…stay strong, we can do this together.

x

T Reddy

The First Day of School

Today was the first day of school in many areas in the USA as well as in some countries in Europe.  It was so great to open my Facebook to find all the photos of my friends’ children on their way to their first day!  There were many kids with their full backpacks smiling so wide!

I am so happy that many parents I know are celebrating those moments and making it about their kids!  As I smiled scrolling down I came across Lydia’s post (NFF, NM of a 6 and 8 year old).  My smile soon faded…

Kids happily back to school. Now to repair the total devastation they created in the house during their 8 week break. Coffee first though!

The way someone writes on FB doesn’t indicate narcissism but my interactions with Lydia and her children indicate that she is an NM.  Her post is about her and I quote ‘the total devastation’ they caused!  While all the other parent’s are making the moment about their children she is making it about herself.  The comments she got on this post are about her…oh, Lydia, poor you…glad you have a break now that they are back…blah, blah.

Never once has Lydia ever posted photos of their first days…not that she should but her posts or photos are reflecting her and her image only…not about her kids.  Here is another from last year…same thing, saw wonderful comments from other parents and saw this one from Lydia.

Kids back to school today, and I’m not sure whether I’m happy or sad.

Again she posts about how she feels about it…a kids first day is about the child not about how the parent feels.  Nasty Lydia, You need to support them with whatever emotion they are going through.  How you feel at this moment does not come into play at this moment.  Make this day about them!  And all those N parents out there wonder why their adult children no longer want to contact them.  It is always about YOU!  I hope when you drink your coffee, Lydia, you wake up!