When they come back

8 years.

8 freakin’ years.

I haven’t written about her before: my best friend at university.  She was out of my life before I realized just how unhealthy we made each other.  Before I knew about N.  We were friends for 7 years.  All through uni and a few years after.

8 years ago was the last time I had any contact with her.  Until recently.

I never really thought about her.  She only grazed my mind when I started understanding N.  I remember thinking: she is out of my life, amen.  So, it was done for me.  And neatly and analytically filed it away as a great learning experience about friendship.

We both are narcissistic.  We got our self-esteem from each other.  So sick.  We would insult each other subtly just to feel better about ourselves.  Maybe the only good thing about our friendship was that we were each other’s supply so maybe I wasn’t so narcissistic to my other friends.

She contacted via e-mail.  Since then I changed my e-mail but she searched for me on LinkedIN.  My fault, my profile is open for recruiters.  Unfortunately, LinkedIn doesn’t have the option of blocking your profile to Narcissists.

Her first e-mail to me felt strange, uncomfortable.  She ended the e-mail with ‘Miss you tons.’  All I thought was: 8 freakin’ years, seriously.

My natural tendency was to say: she is still very much N but I stopped myself.  If I am changing so can she.  I believe people can change.  Her follow-up e-mails were about the same: no questions about my life and her telling me details of her life and the one detail that upset me: she has 2 girls.  And my heart-ached.  It is a physical pain.  To see the Ns in my life become parents.  She is number 4.  Their children: next generation bloggers.

Bravo, she managed to insult me subtly in the e-mail.  After 8 freakin’ years.  She still found  a way.

She had wanted to meet up during my holiday visit back home last December.  She blew me off and came back with an excuse some time late January.  I stopped.  Enough.

Then today she e-mailed me.  She did ask How are you?  With a follow-up of how busy she has been this summer and she is maid of honour in a wedding; blah, blah, blah.

I don’t know if I will respond.  Part of me wants to see if there is an alternative motive to her contacting me.  Like a free place to stay in Europe.  My sick way of trying to prove myself right.   2 of my so-called friends have done that and I heard from them when they found out I moved and never again after their visit.  I am judging her harshly and at the same time trusting my instincts.


Giving Gifts to Narcissists

Gift giving is something that is very nice.  Giving and receiving should always give you a good feeling but that doesn’t exist for a narcissist or even for a frenemy.  Narcs are not capable of enjoying or sincerely being grateful for what they have received.  And because of this they attack/insult us when they receive a gift.

I do not know why that is exactly?  It seems at the moments you are the kindest to a frenemy or narc their response is the meanest.  My only guess into their messed up psyche is that the adoration goes to you as the gift giver.  You as the gift giver get the ‘Thank You’ and believe me they do not want to share the limelight with anyone.  If someone were to notice the gift you got them and they got a complement on it, they would be upset that it was about you and not them.  And if you combine this with their negative outlook on everything in life (that isn’t to do with them) then you get the mean, unusual, awful, hurtful comments back.

With both Marian and Lydia I found myself feeling so badly when I gave them a gift.  I can still remember how they reacted to them.  When I gave Marian 2 gifts…one was a scarf from a trip and the other was a bracelet from the jewerly store she likes for her birthday.  Upon receiving it she did the normal ‘Thanks’.  Narcissists can say ‘Thank you’ in situations when they know they are supposed to.  But the next day when we were alone she said…

‘oh I don’t really use scarves and the color doesn’t go with anything I have’

She lied…she wore scarves all the time and the color of the scarf was beige.  I blamed myself for not getting the right gift.  Her birthday gift was the same…she told me after a few weeks…

‘I never wear that bracelet you gave me…it doesn’t go with my outfits.’

The one time she wore it…she said ‘see, I’m wearing it.’ Ugh…no good feelings after that.  She no longer received gifts from me.

With Lydia it went the same way.  Because they (Don & Lydia) had dropped off and picked us up from the airport we got them something when we went on vacation.  We got them a scarf (it is a scarf from a special region and you can’t get it in any store).  Lydia didn’t even muster the word ‘Thank you’ and did not even take the scarf out of its packaging.  Don at least had done that and said Thank you.  A few weeks later Lydia says to me:

‘Oh, I got the usual scarf again from my sister in law.  I just seem to get scarves and I never wear them.’

I felt so bad.  I felt utterly terrible after she told me that.  I recently stopped the gift giving for their birthdays and holidays.  It is not worth the grief or the time and money I spent searching for a gift.

Any thoughts or other stories are welcome.

xx TR

Related posts:

@IBC: Gift Giving by Narcissists – Myth 5: A horse is a horse, of course

The Narcissistic Continuum: Super Santa