My past happened exactly how it should have happened. The child abuse I experienced growing up should have happened. I had the exact childhood I needed to have.
Why? For the simple reason: it happened that way. Any other sentence about it is futile and is cruel to myself and to children who are, in this moment, living it. And I’m done being cruel to myself.
My past lived on because of me. This blog is living proof of keeping my past alive. My present was my past with each blog post and the 60 some drafts that will never be posted. I am the only one that could keep it alive.
I’m not cruel to myself about this either. It was exactly what was needed to get where I am today. I needed to be in the ring, figuring it out, trying to make sense of all of it. It was a beautiful experience. I met wonderful people who let me know that they understood. It was such a necessary process in healing. I know this for the simple reason: it happened that way.
It didn’t happen this way. It was not four years of wasted time when I should have been doing something else. I could, of course, tell myself that story. That I spent time writing and writing about things that I could never change. But it wasn’t. It was a beautiful experience to see how humans could connect without meeting each other. It was a beautiful experience that helped me become the person I am today and will become in the future.
Your past, however you choose to look at, is yours. It is 100% yours. That’s an amazing thing, isn’t it? I can’t steal it from you, I can’t even tell you are wrong about it. No one can tell me my wonderful experience was not wonderful. No one. Including me. And I don’t.
It was not easy. Nor will it be. It is supposed to be this hard. I was tired and I will continue to feel this way. I’m tired in a completely different way now. I’ve learned how to work through my old tiredness and recognise how often “feeling tired” was my excuse, my indulgence. Even an entitlement. I am getting better at it being this hard and not going down the familiar path of indulging in it. Easiness does not await. Instead, a better version of myself does. Not a whole, complete me. For I have already been given that gift of wholeness and worthiness, only a better version of the person I was yesterday awaits. And that hardness of achieving that each day is different. And that’s a different poison.
I chose the poison of life being hard because of my past for so long. Today and tomorrow, I choose a different poison. I share with you a quote from Professor Jordan Peterson from a debate:
“You’re going to pay a price for every bloody thing you do and everything you don’t do. You don’t get to choose to not pay a price. You get to choose which poison you take, that’s it.” ~Jordan Peterson @ Manning Centre Conference
I say Farewell, thank you for listening, and I am speaking my truth offline and showing up as myself each day. I am amazing. You are amazing. Everyone is amazing and capable of having the most amazing life. Here’s to an amazing life!