After all the grieving and acceptance of the fact that someone close in my life is a Narcissist, I find myself in a phase which I have named ‘summin’ it up’. I somehow need this phase before I can truly let go of the N in my life. In this phase I start to calculate the amount of time and money I have spent on/with the N. I mean I, literally, write down on a piece of paper the wasted time I spent doing them favors (when they have used me to get something they want) and the amount of money the have gotten out of me (which can be a component of time). I sum it up and then it begins. After being sad and grieving for them…the anger comes.
The anger that comes is not at them. The anger starts out at them and then eventually is directed at myself. I am pissed off at the time I have spent breaking my back to help them move house, driving them around to run errands (gas money), making them dinner (home-cooked real cooking; food money), cleaning up after them, covering their butts at work, gift giving (money), babysitting for free (money), etc. It gets all summed up and the bigger the number the bigger the ANGER.
And a larger number correlates to all the energy in my life that has been wasted. Because this number reveals the true impact of the N in my life. It isn’t just about the length of time they are in my life but the amount they have stolen in that time.
Somehow I need this phase…it is hard to look at the numbers…to write it ALL down. But through all my emotions, the sadness, the mathematics of it all help me through it. It is like somehow the evidence is right there telling me…see, you don’t need to waste anymore energy there…and that is okay.