Summin’ It Up

After all the grieving and acceptance of the fact that someone close in my life is a Narcissist, I find myself in a phase which I have named ‘summin’ it up’.  I somehow need this phase before I can truly let go of the N in my life.  In this phase I start to calculate the amount of time and money I have spent on/with the N.  I mean I, literally, write down on a piece of paper the wasted time I spent doing them favors (when they have used me to get something they want) and the amount of money the have gotten out of me (which can be a component of time).  I sum it up and then it begins.  After being sad and grieving for them…the anger comes.

The anger that comes is not at them.  The anger starts out at them and then eventually is directed at myself.  I am pissed off at the time I have spent breaking my back to help them move house, driving them around to run errands (gas money), making them dinner (home-cooked real cooking; food money), cleaning up after them, covering their butts at work, gift giving (money), babysitting for free (money), etc.  It gets all summed up and the bigger the number the bigger the ANGER.

And a larger number correlates to all the energy in my life that has been wasted.  Because this number reveals the true impact of the N in my life.  It isn’t just about the length of time they are in my life but the amount they have stolen in that time.

Somehow I need this phase…it is hard to look at the numbers…to write it ALL down.  But through all my emotions, the sadness, the mathematics of it all help me through it.  It is like somehow the evidence is right there telling me…see, you don’t need to waste anymore energy there…and that is okay.

Goodbye, Lydia

I realized that the last few posts have centered around Lydia.  My mind has been on Lydia the past month, as I have realized that Lydia is a highly narcissistic person and is an unsupportive friend.  I have had to have my peace with our friendship however short lived, meaning I still will keep in contact with Lydia but the true friendship is over.  I have had to say Goodbye to a friendship with Lydia.

Two days ago I received an email from Lydia.  This email was 14 days after I had sent her two consecutive emails (the first email was another 2 weeks on top of that).  Life is busy no doubt that you can miss correspondences.  I have noticed a common behavior pattern with Lydia and unfortunately with other frenemies, narcissistic friends…they take forever to respond to an email or other social networking digital communications.  And I mean forever.  How do I know that it is forever, it means that whenever I finally receive a response to my email I have forgotten what I have written in the email to them!  That is forever.  With my true friends (good company)…somehow they seem to respond rather quickly and timely.  They have busy lives too…they work, are Moms, have obligations.

I even asked Lydia how she prefers to keep in touch and she preferred the digital way / social networks or texting.  Okay, no prob for me.  Well, when I spent some time with Lydia (without Don), it was a little clearer to me on her busy life.  On her normal school day…meaning when she has to see the kids off to school…she would have breakfast and would get on the computer.  She was on FB and emailing when I was visiting her.  I would be there eating breakfast and she would be on the computer Facebooking.  Fine, a bit anti-social but she did this for all the days I was visiting her.  She managed to do this after the kids were in bed, right in front of her guests, me and my boyfriend.

Needless to say when my emails on Facebook were answered about 5 weeks too late I was not surprised.  Her average time to answer my emails is about 2 weeks…okay…I’ll accept it.  Some people can’t manage to respond timely.  Everyone is different.

Why do I say goodbye to our friendship?  After the 2-5 week wait time for an email form Lydia, I am disappointed.  Not because of the wait time but the email is filled with narcissistic comments, unsupportive comments and not to mention, it lacks the question: how are you doing, TR?  Her emails to me are not about keeping in touch, it is about filling her and Don’s narcissitic needs.