Copycat, copycat

(inspired by and dedicated to those who are driven crazy by family members or friends who copy or imitate)

Copycat, copycat,
I want that.
Copycat, copycat,
tit for tat.
Copycat, copycat,
No, you can’t!

Copycat, copycat, I want that! It seems that I inspire my sister-in-law (SiL) quite often.  Upon getting to know the wife of my DH’s brother (2010), I noticed that every time I shared something about myself, SiL expressed the same interest.  It seemed we had a lot in common even though we failed to have a real discussion about our “shared” activities and I started to have an uneasy feeling about her.  By late 2012, I had shared enough information about myself and I was now feeling angry and controlled after each and every interaction (face to face and telephone).

At first, I talked myself out of it.  I told myself that I was being petty and these are all coincidences and that I do not own these activities, etc.  I used every rationalization to not see that the line between inspiration and imitation was being crossed, consistently.

The pattern started out like this.  DH or I would share a story, for example our hiking holiday, and she would make a comment to put it down – “Why would anyone want to go hiking for a vacation, I need the beach and relaxation.”  Then, BiL and SiL announce they are going on a hiking holiday.  It felt like what we enjoyed was devalued only to be copied at a later date.  What was going on?  Am I narcissistic to think her behaviors were about copying us?

Something was missing.  If BiL and SiL aren’t taking external cues about what they should do in their life, doesn’t it seem like SiL and I would be good friends or at least get along because we have many, if not all, of the same activities in common.  Wouldn’t we have a connection of at least acquaintances instead of the connection of two strangers who cross the same path?

I wasn’t yet comfortable trusting my intuition 100% and the science part of me kicked in.  During the last visit (December 2014) an opportunity came up to measure the extent of BiL and SiL’s copying behaviors.  A discussion (one way, of course) came up about where they would like to go on vacation in 2015.  DH and I didn’t say much and then, I said, “It would be nice to go to Country X.”  Out of all the places we want to see on planet earth, Country X is not high on our list.  What I said was true, “it would be nice”.  Not that we plan to go there.  As you can imagine, a few months after the winter holiday, BiL tells DH that they are going to Country X.  For the past couples years, they have been going to the same places as us.

Copycat, copycat, tit for tat!  I wasn’t entirely sure that copying behaviors linked with other narcissistic behaviors were motivated by envy.  It seemed that in order to envy what someone else has you would have had to want it in the first place (beforehand).  BiL and SiL’s behaviors came after the fact.  In the end, I will never know how they truly feel about anything.

Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D. in his book, Emotional Vampires¹, describes what it is like to be narcissistic:

“To know how Narcissists experience life, imagine playing golf, tennis, or some other competitive sport and having the best day of your career.  You feel great, but the mental wall between confidence and fear is thin as tissue paper.  Everything is riding on the next shot, and then the one after that…Imagine the pressure should the only meaningful goal in your life be proving that you are something more than human.  Narcissists’ greatest fear is of being ordinary.” (~Bernstein, p. 142)

The only form of connection DH and I have with them is in the form of competition.   It resembles what in game theory is referred to as Tit for Tat.  This maneuver involves replicating your opponent’s maneuver.  From gadgets to hobbies to travel itineraries, we go back and forth, and according to Bernstein, the game NEVER ends.

Viewing our interactions game from Bernstein’s perspective could explain that copying behaviors are not motivated by a desire to obtain what the other has (envy) but by their paradoxical desire to be extraordinary (superhuman).

Imagine that you go about your business, enjoying life.  To most everyone, you are living your life, to the narcissist it is perceived as an aggression of your “extraordinary” self (an attack).  And the game of life is not fair – you are not entitled to the same privileges and respect as the narcissist.  Any assertion of your sense of self (because it is naturally different) perhaps, then, triggers their fear of being ordinary – a threat that is equally paradoxical as their desire to be extraordinary through the agency of others.

Copycat, copycat, No, you can’t!  By 2013, the pattern was hard to miss, DH was making jokes and soon their house was decorated with similar furnishings.  I was now irritated with this never ending game.

Anger is primarily associated with your sense of self.  My sense of self, at least the small part of me that is made of the stuff I enjoy, felt ‘stolen’.  And if I rewound the past few years of copying behaviors, I find myself back at home with my mother.  A woman who stole what I enjoyed.  It maybe wasn’t her intention or motivation, it was the behaviors that chiseled at my sense of self.  Everything from friendships to accomplishments she ‘stole’ with her words of disdain or worse, her outward interference in controlling (and sabotaging) what I did and who I did it with.  My anger toward my in-laws’ had a past, one that I hated to think about.

Having someone I loved and trusted steal my identity ate at me.  I backed away from people, I doubted myself and I began to feel disconnected from myself at a time when the very opposite is supposed to happen (individuation from FOO).  So much of those same emotions were stirred up when I got to know SiL.  That whatever I shared with her would be misused and any sort of individuality that I fought for from my parents, my in-laws were re-stealing it.

BUT here’s the thing (and I have to remind myself of this often): No one CAN steal your sense of self.  It is impossible.  Even if SiL’s behaviors continue to chisel away at it, she can’t.  We are inherently different from each other, not unique, but different and separate.  SiL may enjoy the same things that I do, as many others do.  And because we can’t steal each other’s sense of self (no matter how hard we try) we are both inherently FREE.  Even SiL, even if it seems that she is not aware of it.  Nobody stops her from taking that chisel and gnawing at the rope that binds her sense of self to the external cues of her world.

I have to remember that the ties (and lies) that bound me to my FOO are untangling and that I, under no circumstances, need to bind myself to my in-laws in the same false sense of connection (competition).  We are ultimately free from each other.

Copycat, copycat,
I want that.
Copycat, copycat,
Tit for tat.
Copycat, copycat,
No, you can’t.
Copycat, copycat,
Free at last!

Footnote

¹Bernstein, Albert J., Ph.D. (2012). Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry.  McGraw Hill, New York.

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How to Introduce a Scapegoat and Other Etiquette Advice

If Emily Post wrote the rule book on etiquette, then it was Bridget Jones who taught us the struggle in executing it.

“Introduce people with thoughtful details. Such as: “Sheila, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Sheila. Sheila enjoys horse-riding and comes from New Zealand. Daniel enjoys publishing and…” ~Shazzer (friend of Bridget Jones; movie: Bridget Jones’s Diary)

For example, how to maintain good manners in the most awkward of social situations, i.e. when you don’t actually like the people.

Click here: Video Clip of Bridget Jones

Transcript from video clip: (at Bridget’s work event)
Perpetua: Anyone going to introduce me?
Bridget: [to herself] Ah. Introduce people with thoughtful details. Perpetua, this is Mark Darcy. Mark is a prematurely middle-aged prick with a cruel raced ex-wife. Perpetua is a fat-ass old bag who spends her time bossing me around.
Bridget: [to herself] Maybe not.

Maybe not.  Bridget regulates her desires and proceeds to introduce them respectfully.  An etiquette that often fails in dysfunctional family systems.

The Christmas Eve Party 2013

“It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr. Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at a party. It’s like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting “Cathy” and banging your head against a tree.” ~Bridget Jones’s Diary (Helen Fielding)

Every year we are graciously invited to a Christmas Eve dinner party by the best friends of DH’s parents (Jenna and Charles).  Last year, we were introduced to four ‘new’ guests: the pastor and her three adult daughters.

Jenna (paraphrasing from DH and my notes): “This is DH, the son of FiL.  He lives in Europe working for Company X since he graduated from college and they move him all over the place.  And this is his wife, TR, she goes where he goes and his Company finds her work wherever they end up.”

Silence.  Then DH says “Um, that is not correct”.  Then, dead, awkward silence until one of the pastor’s daughters changes subjects.  (Loved the fact that DH spoke for the truth as opposed to speaking for me.)

After my shock wore off, I decided NOT to DEFEND myself to Jenna or the other guests.  In the past, I would have tried to subtly negate Jenna’s introduction later in the conversation by controlling it.  Instead, I thought of CS’s and Kara’s chalkboard “Think What You Like” and let conversation flow.

The Christmas Eve Party 2014

“Singletons should not have to explain themselves all the time but should have an accepted status — like geisha girls do” ~Bridget Jones’s Diary (Helen Fielding)

This year we arrived at the party and were greeted by the hosts and familiar faces.  The first part of the evening was spent ‘chatting’ – meaning, covert aggressive comments/questions were flung for a JADE (justify-argue-defend-explain) response.  A harmless Yes/No question, seemingly with interest, is asked with an immediate explanation that didn’t lead to actual conversation only to the next question, followed by the next explanation.  The JADEing came to an end (or so I thought) with Jenna’s game: “You Are Where You Eat”:

Rules: Jenna read aloud a clue from pre-made cards and the rest of the guests guess who it is.  On the back of the card is your seat number.  Before moving on to the next clue, Jenna tells the person (who we just guessed) to share a specific story.   

I believe the game was intended to entertain us before we sat down to dinner.  Some of the clues didn’t quite live up to the expectation, unfortunately.  Maybe it would have been in a different situation – where the guests are functional (as opposed to dysfunctional).  The ‘suggested’ story that each person told felt like a justification of who we are rather than a sharing of who we are, imo.

Our index cards (DH, TR):

card

Our index cards were innocuous compared to others¹ and it was Jenna’s daughter that took the prize:

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can get a college degree”

Her daughter had been to university (same university as DH) and didn’t finish.   She has since gone back to school and is now close to graduating.  For the last 10 years of Xmas Eve parties, either Jenna’s daughter or I have toggled between playing the token scapegoat.  Can you guess where Scapegoat #1 and Scapegoat #2 were assigned seats?  We both sat next to the pastor and to Emily Post’s relief, everyone managed to eat their salad with the appropriate fork while JADEing².

Etiquette in a Dysfunctional Family System

“Nothing is less important than which fork you use. Etiquette is the science of living. It embraces everything. It is ethics. It is honor.” ~Emily Post

The only etiquette that works in a dysfunctional family system is playing your designated role (Scapegoat, Golden Child, Mascot, etc.).  JADEing is the favored pastime, where subtle means that verbal cues are seemingly innocuous and no effort at all is therefore required to illicit a JADE reaction.  And dare you use the wrong fork, will you forever be reminded of not only that shortcoming but also all the other past ones.

Maybe a point Emily Post and Bridget Jones could agree on is: Embrace yourself no matter which fork you use.  🙂

Footnotes

¹Our cards on the surface were harmless but were revealing in the sense of the repetitive manner in which DH and I are spoken to.  Sadly, another card mentioned someone’s illness.

²In the movie, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Bridget goes to a dinner party with all married friends. The conversation focuses on her single status.  At this Christmas Eve Party as others, we (Scapegoat #1 & #2) got questioned left and right about being vegetarian.  Enjoy the clip.