Farewell

Dear Friends,

I am closing this blog, meaning it will be deleted.  I left it open thinking one day I would return to it.  My break from it was due to having a baby.  There are many tales to share, no doubt, about the moments leading up to becoming a mother after I have written for so long about my own here in this blog.  But maybe the most significant one is how I missed and needed a mother at that moment.  Not by any means my actual mother but ‘a mother’ – a mother I had fantasied about.

After my beautiful daughter arrived, that mother I had longed for, needed for so long had to materialise in the form of me.  Many times I thought (and still today) how can I be a mom I want to be proud of, the mom my daughter needs.  And I, of course, turned to where I am most comfortable, books.  I read and read and read.  And then I read some more.  Many books were helpful, others were not useful and the advice from others, although well intended, didn’t seem to fit with who we are.  And then she came and it was hard.  And in some ways easier than I had imagined.

Along with baby, I continued therapy, moved countries twice and started down a different career path and I am happier than I have ever been.  And that has nothing to do with having a baby, only to do with the last six months and why I have made the decision to close the blog.

The last six months have been life changing.  The last time I spoke such words was when I became a mama and before that, when I realised I needed to find out more about me and my mother.  And that led me to find you all in the blogsphere.  And how fantastic and life changing was that!

So Thank You.  Thank you for sharing your stories, your opinions, a bit of yourself and most of all, thank you for your time.  You have changed my life in so many wonderful ways.  The next steps I am taking could not have been possible without you.

And my last official post of this blog is written below which ends this past decade given room to a new one.

I hope this letter reaches you all in time before deletion.  I plan on deleting the blog in two weeks time from publication date.

Hugs, TR

P.S.  To those that have read many of the stories I have shared, I am still in contact with my mother (that does not mean she responds back) and many of the other people I have written about here.  I have not ‘deleted’ them out of my life, I am only more clear on my boundaries and from there I take action.

An Amazing Life

My past happened exactly how it should have happened. The child abuse I experienced growing up should have happened.  I had the exact childhood I needed to have.

Why?  For the simple reason: it happened that way.  Any other sentence about it is futile and is cruel to myself and to children who are, in this moment, living it.  And I’m done being cruel to myself.

My past lived on because of me.  This blog is living proof of keeping my past alive.  My present was my past with each blog post and the 60 some drafts that will never be posted.  I am the only one that could keep it alive.

I’m not cruel to myself about this either.  It was exactly what was needed to get where I am today.  I needed to be in the ring, figuring it out, trying to make sense of all of it.  It was a beautiful experience.  I met wonderful people who let me know that they understood.  It was such a necessary process in healing.  I know this for the simple reason: it happened that way.

It didn’t happen this way.  It was not four years of wasted time when I should have been doing something else.  I could, of course, tell myself that story.  That I spent time writing and writing about things that I could never change.  But it wasn’t.  It was a beautiful experience to see how humans could connect without meeting each other.  It was a beautiful experience that helped me become the person I am today and will become in the future.

Your past, however you choose to look at, is yours.  It is 100% yours.  That’s an amazing thing, isn’t it?  I can’t steal it from you, I can’t even tell you are wrong about it.  No one can tell me my wonderful experience was not wonderful.  No one.  Including me.  And I don’t.

It was not easy.  Nor will it be.  It is supposed to be this hard.  I was tired and I will continue to feel this way.  I’m tired in a completely different way now.  I’ve learned how to work through my old tiredness and recognise how often “feeling tired” was my excuse, my indulgence.  Even an entitlement.  I am getting better at it being this hard and not going down the familiar path of indulging in it.  Easiness does not await.  Instead, a better version of myself does.  Not a whole, complete me.  For I have already been given that gift of wholeness and worthiness, only a better version of the person I was yesterday awaits.  And that hardness of achieving that each day is different.  And that’s a different poison.

I chose the poison of life being hard because of my past for so long.  Today and tomorrow, I choose a different poison.  I share with you a quote from Professor Jordan Peterson from a debate:

“You’re going to pay a price for every bloody thing you do and everything you don’t do.  You don’t get to choose to not pay a price.  You get to choose which poison you take, that’s it.” ~Jordan Peterson @ Manning Centre Conference

I say Farewell, thank you for listening, and I am speaking my truth offline and showing up as myself each day.  I am amazing.  You are amazing.  Everyone is amazing and capable of having the most amazing life.  Here’s to an amazing life!

Hugs, TR