Myth: You either got it or you don’t

I sometimes felt like this about a lot of things – You either got it or you don’t.  Like some things were innate or instilled in me during childhood.  And if ya had a messed up childhood then you missed the bus.  Throughout this journey I have felt relief and found faith when I realised how much of this theory was just plain crazy stupid.  I share with you the great posts and reads that I re-read often that remind me of just how wrong these myths really are.

Removed from the list of “You either got it or you don’t”:

1.  Gumption.  Standing up for yourself.  This takes practice.  Everyday.  Kara writes 2 great posts about strengthing this muscle. (part 1part 2)

2. Empathy.  is learned and needs to be practiced.  The dictionary defines it as an ability.  An ability we must learn.  If we haven’t learned it from our parents or primary caregivers we have to learn it and then, practice it. Empathy isn’t always received and given.  Everyone has obstacles to practicing it – even emotionally healthy people.  

3.  Shame.  is not an emotion reserved for those who go through trauma.  The only ones that don’t have it are psychopaths.  We don’t move on from shame, we move through it (regularly) to return to our self-worth.

4.  Positivity.  Positive people aren’t born with a permanent light inside of them; they see (and deal with) the dark because the dark defines the light.  It is human to see light and dark and in-between.  I love this post by Upsi because it reminds me that when I look at the dark things in life I am being critical and doing so isn’t negative but human.

5.  Healthy family.  PWC post.  Enough said.

6.  Healthy body/being in shape.  The majority of people with healthy bodies work hard at it.

7. Parenting skills.  Brené Brown said that parents with good parenting skills read about parenting constantly, take workshops and ask other parents for suggestions.  Actually, since my friends have become parents I have noticed that they do spend a lot of time reading parenting books, articles and asking their friends what has worked in certain situations.  Both literature and real life matched up.

8.  Authenticity. is a practice.  People are not just that way because of an X factor.  Brown summed it up:


Thank you for helping me bust these myths! Are there any others to add to the list?

xxoo T Reddy

6 thoughts on “Myth: You either got it or you don’t

  1. Hi T Reddy, this is such an interesting post. The idea that having innate temperaments “dooms” us to certain personality characteristics is a widespread myth. Our narc families reinforce this, with sayings like “you were always this way,” “even as a child you never,” etc. As if you exist in a vacuum, without being impacted by those who have brought us up. Learning how not to be what our FOOs chronically tell us we are is a hard lesson. Btw, I LOVE the background you’ve added to this blog. So beautiful and peaceful, the colors, the slow snowflakes. Thank you. love CS


    • Hi CS,
      My apologies for responding late. I just came back from the holiday.

      Thank you! That is so true what you said about how our FOO reinforced these messages. I never put that together and that is really spot on. I wonder why some Ns love the either got it or you don’t? Almost all of my Ns in my life reinforced that message to me in such subtle ways now that you mention it. It was little things like creativity or self-confindence. Often, they would say – ‘I guess you’re born that way…’.

      Looking forward to catching up on your end!

      xxoo T Reddy



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