When they come back

8 years.

8 freakin’ years.

I haven’t written about her before: my best friend at university.  She was out of my life before I realized just how unhealthy we made each other.  Before I knew about N.  We were friends for 7 years.  All through uni and a few years after.

8 years ago was the last time I had any contact with her.  Until recently.

I never really thought about her.  She only grazed my mind when I started understanding N.  I remember thinking: she is out of my life, amen.  So, it was done for me.  And neatly and analytically filed it away as a great learning experience about friendship.

We both are narcissistic.  We got our self-esteem from each other.  So sick.  We would insult each other subtly just to feel better about ourselves.  Maybe the only good thing about our friendship was that we were each other’s supply so maybe I wasn’t so narcissistic to my other friends.

She contacted via e-mail.  Since then I changed my e-mail but she searched for me on LinkedIN.  My fault, my profile is open for recruiters.  Unfortunately, LinkedIn doesn’t have the option of blocking your profile to Narcissists.

Her first e-mail to me felt strange, uncomfortable.  She ended the e-mail with ‘Miss you tons.’  All I thought was: 8 freakin’ years, seriously.

My natural tendency was to say: she is still very much N but I stopped myself.  If I am changing so can she.  I believe people can change.  Her follow-up e-mails were about the same: no questions about my life and her telling me details of her life and the one detail that upset me: she has 2 girls.  And my heart-ached.  It is a physical pain.  To see the Ns in my life become parents.  She is number 4.  Their children: next generation bloggers.

Bravo, she managed to insult me subtly in the e-mail.  After 8 freakin’ years.  She still found  a way.

She had wanted to meet up during my holiday visit back home last December.  She blew me off and came back with an excuse some time late January.  I stopped.  Enough.

Then today she e-mailed me.  She did ask How are you?  With a follow-up of how busy she has been this summer and she is maid of honour in a wedding; blah, blah, blah.

I don’t know if I will respond.  Part of me wants to see if there is an alternative motive to her contacting me.  Like a free place to stay in Europe.  My sick way of trying to prove myself right.   2 of my so-called friends have done that and I heard from them when they found out I moved and never again after their visit.  I am judging her harshly and at the same time trusting my instincts.


9 thoughts on “When they come back

  1. I don’t think you’re judging her harshly, your judging her on the basis of your previous experience with her. “The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour”, it is true that come people do change, I can’t say that I have met any yet and while I do keep an open mind, I think it still pay to be cautious, so if you want to find out for your sake whether she’s still an N, I see nothing sick in that.
    P.S. I loved the line “the next generation of bloggers”, I so see my niece becoming one.


    • Definitely exercising the cautiousness with her. I guess for now I will judge her on her past and current behaviours b/c it was so not cool to blow me off nor slip in an insult into our digital conversation.

      I am sorry to hear about your niece. It is especially hard to see mothers with daughters because we know how it goes and what the end result will be. In my moments of anger and sadness I think of writing an anonymous letter to them when they all turn 18; a letter explaining narcissism and links to all these blogs.
      Thank you for the support.


      • Yes, I am sorry about my niece too. It was actually watching my sister’s behaviour with her what gave me the clue to start searching online and eventually finding out about narcissism. Part of the reason why I started my blog was that all this info would be there for my niece should she ever need it. You know what it’s like, as years go by we forget a lot of the stuff that went on. There’s a lot in my childhood that I don’t remember, I wish now that I had kept
        better notes.


      • Hi Kara,
        Sorry for the late reply I was without WiFi for the past week. It is great that your blog is there for her. I hear ya, I have forgotten a lot and some memories come back when I hear other’s stories. xoxo


  2. Trust your instinct….it’s there for a reason. I’m trying to focus on what I want and go after it, then people and situations like this just fall in the “nope, don’t have time” category.


    • Hi Barbara,
      Learning to trust my instincts and also learning to focus on other things. I find it relatively easy to make it through the first round with an N and find it harder when it comes again. I find I really need the No Contact for me to heal. And even if things like this happen I find I don’t have the skill to ‘think on your feet’. To respond to it effectively immediately. Continuing the journey with everyone’s help here.


  3. I wouldn’t let her in my life again. Because it’s not about she’s changed or she hasn’t. For me it’s the fact that I would remember the past. Past hurts so much, and usually it doesn’t let you go.

    btw I love that part “Unfortunately, LinkedIn doesn’t have the option of blocking your profile to Narcissists”. I was literally laughing out laugh.


  4. Pingback: How Not to Be Wrong | In Bad Company


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