Can’t you see I’m ignoring you?

I got two very interesting e-mails recently from the 2 Sophisticated Narcissistic Female Friends in my life.  I am trying the fade away approach with both of them…and hoping it leads to permanent no contact.  Yup…I’m trying to avoid a conflict with these sophisticated Ns.

Narc #1:

20 February (via Facebook e-mail):

Lydia:  Hey, how’s things? We’re just back from our winter holiday in France.

Me: Hi Lydia, We’re good…how r u? Cool…hope the snow was plentiful!

No response after that.  Then she sends another one on 27 April:

Lydia:  Hows it going? Been far too long…

Me:  Hi! We are doing good! How are you guys? How are the kids doing?

It is like she wants to point out that she isn’t responding to my e-mails…BUT in order to get any e-mail from me she has to send me one so she can ignore it.  It’s like she wants to say to me ‘See, I’m ignoring you?’…But that is a total paradox!  I’m not initiating contact with her…haven’t been for a year now.  How messed up is that?  If she doesn’t respond I don’t send another e-mail I just let it be.  How evil are these Ns?  Seriously, they have to send an e-mail so that I respond.  So sick and wrong!

Narc # 2 (wife of my boyfriend’s best friend) – a week ago.

Samy: hey, been thinking about you! how are things on your side of the pond?

Me: Hi Samy! It is great to hear from you! We are doing good! Today, summer might have arrived (fingers crossed)…the first warm day…itching to go outside today!

How are you? How are your husband and kids?

Seriously, what is with them.  Samy hasn’t responded.  I haven’t contacted Samy since the beginning of this year.  I decided after seeing her over the holidays that she was most definitely a Sophisticated N.

Has anyone tried the fade out a friend approach?  How is it going?

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4 thoughts on “Can’t you see I’m ignoring you?

  1. Maybe the fadeout would work, but I never reached the end so I wouldn’t know. Usually, they keep emailing you or messaging you or IMing you. Like it’ll be quiet, and suddenly they shoot you a message like they want to talk to you only when they want to talk to you and don’t want to talk to you when you want to talk to them. The thing is, that pisses me off. So I don’t want them talking to me like everything is always the same. It’s not, you shouldn’t be talking to me like this after blowing me off or after me telling you to stop. So usually I say stop talking to me or I don’t think we can be friends anymore because of x y and z. I guess fade out could work, but why wait! Put them on spam/defriend right now! If you fade out, there’s always a chance they think they can come right back and you’ll feel like you have to respond because you didn’t decide to lose them. Just don’t give them a chance.

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    • I was hoping it would work. I have done the direct approach with other N friends and in the case of both these women my boyfriend is also a friend. Since we are both their friends it makes it hard on him…even if I did the confrontation. He is not comfortable with that…so I tried the technique of fading. I don’t think it will work, like you said, they still think they can contact us…even if we have stopped the supply. I know at some point I will be sick of it and I will just ‘de-friend’ them and be done with it. I think it’s soon for me, anyway.

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  2. This post may come a bit late…..but the problem as I see it here (and I have much experience with N’s, so much that I don’t really care to play the game anymore, just run like Hell when I see one)…is that you are attempting to deal with an N in a “nicer” way. There is no nicer, more gentle, yet effective way to lose an N. The only way to clean up the toxic waste they bring to your life is to go NO Contact all the way, period. Delete them from your FB, email account, all pictures, and possible “friends” who are complicit in the abusive behavior such as “go-betweens.” Seriously, you are not going to make them “get the picture,” because the only reality that they see in their twisted minds is that YOU are there for attention, and I guarantee you are coming off as a lovesick little puppy, begging for scraps of validation for your very existence. I say enough is enough. Admit to yourself that a part of you still needs this sporadic contact, address the reasons why, and just cut the cancer out already! I speak from experience, you will be much better off, blessings.

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  3. This sounds so much like a 2 year-long friendship I had that ended about 2 months ago(thank God!) This topic, combined with the last topic on the give-take ratio, describes this person perfectly. We worked together for about 2 yrs & hung out a lot for the past year and a half. In the beginning she was always very giving(sometimes overly so) & would insist on coming in after hours to help me with work projects & in my personal life. I would try to repay her for her help but could not financially afford to always do so-at least not to the degree she was giving of herself. This made me increasingly uncomfortable & I would tactfully tell her I didn’t always need her help & that she needed to spend time with her own family. She acted like her feelings were hurt when I would tell her this. I also apologized about not being able to repay her like I wanted but she told me not to worry about it. She said she enjoyed my company & it gave her an excuse to get out of the house. She would never ask “Can I come help you?” She would always call & say “I’m going to meet you at such & such time.” She would then show up whether I called her or not. After a few months, she started to get real pissy & her attitude changed drastically. She called me one day & said sarcastically “My husband told me that I’M always doing things for others but nobody EVER does anything for me!” I knew that this is what she was really wanting to say herself because she always had a habit of quoting her husband or someone else instead of directly saying things. I was perplexed since she insinuated herself in my life pretty much from the very beginning. I noticed she also did this with other people as well.

    As far as her ignoring me periodically, she did this quite a bit as well. She sets herself up as your personal “guru” in the friendship. She will talk non-stop & dominate the conversation for hours on end giving advice, etc. I swear I could take a 2 hour nap, pick the phone back up, & she’d still be talking. She had weird, weird phone habits. When she wasn’t ignoring me, she would call non-stop for days on end. I would wake up at 8 am on Saturday mornings & have as many as 4+ messages on my answering machine. But if I called her more than 1 or 2 times a week, she would freak out & claim I was taking over her life and then I would get the silent treatment for a while. Also, I noticed, that if I was the one to end the phone conversation first, that would warrant about another week of the silent treatment. She would then call me about a week later, when I was starting to move on & forget about her, to “reconnect.” She always had some excuse as to why she had not called. I don’t know why she had to make up excuses, because I honestly could have cared less & did not play into her game. She would also call me every so often about something “urgent” and ask me to call back ASAP, but when I did, she would have her phone turned off- sometimes for days! She would then return the call about a week later, again with another weird excuse. I saw her doing these things to other people as well. We were working together one day when she received a call from her friend “Karen.” I remember her saying, with a smirk on her face as she looked at the phone, “Oh that’s Karen. Should I ignore her or not? I think I’m going to ignore her today!” She said this with a look like she was enjoyed doing this to people. The friendhip finally ended over something trivial. I disagreed with something she said and dared voice my opinion & now I’ve gotten the permanent silent treatment. Thank God!!! Sorry this is so long, but this was one weird, exhausting friendship & my life is so much better now! I wondered about whether she was possibly narcissistic but dismissed it at first because she was so giving in the beginning. Now I think it was a control mechanism on her part. She was also enamored with a book called The 48 Rules of Power & would quote from it often. I don’t know if you are familiar with it, but it seems to be virtual handbook for Narcs & control freaks. That told me a lot there!

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