I feel like Scrooge when it comes to Mother’s Day.
Humbug is a person or thing that tricks or deceives or talks or behaves in a way that is deceptive, dishonest, false, or insincere, often a hoax or in jest.
And that made me laugh. Yup. That is a narcissistic mother, that’s my mom.
Celebrate her, I will not.
My ghosts are still very much alive. And I fear another visit from them this May.
My ghost of Mother’s Day past shows me a few of the Mother’s Days with her…but there is no need to remind me really. They all happened about the same way. My mother reminding me about a week before the day…’so, are you going to do anything for mother’s day?’ Her snide, nasty voice ringing in my ears. Her constant passive aggressive remarks telling me it is my responsibility to do something for the day. And when it was done…she criticized it…often ending with the remark, ‘is this all you can do after all I do for you?’ This ghost is cruel…making me relive these events.
My ghost of Mother’s Day present shows me that my estrangement from my mother has evoked harsh judgement from some of my friends and family. Reminding me that many in society will judge me today and in the future. And, today, society is not ready to understand that motherhood is not always a celebrated institution. A little secret ACoNs know: not all Mother’s Days are Happy.
My ghost of Mother’s Day future is more kind. The image is blank. I am on a recovery path and I hope that I am breaking the legacy.
This year, the image is not complete…but that is okay. It needs to be left unfinished…I need the room to grow and lead my own path. I need the space to heal. I don’t want the image to appear…it will be created together with my family. A family that feels very different than the family I came from.