Unwired, dazed and healthy?

My computer crashed and something happened.  Besides the realization of just how dependent I am on this 13inch by 10 inch object I realized I was in a No Contact mode.  My No Contact mode was serious…my other access to a computer is at work – no personal e-mail, blogs, social networks or anything that seems like it might be a cool site gets the universal response: ACCESS DENIED.  My boyfriend’s computer was my only other access but it is his computer and he travels a lot for work – taking it with him.

So, for the most part I have  a pseudo No Contact with my Ns and the only real contact I still have with some of them is digitally.  I still see their updates on Facebook and other social networks.  The residual Ns after letting them fade out of my life.

For this brief period I was in true NO CONTACT.  And I didn’t realize it until I got my new computer up and running.  If my boyfriend was gone all week I had one whole week of NOTHING.  And I found myself not talking about the N.  I was just going about my life and not even reflecting on anything N.  People said N things to me and somehow I don’t even think I noticed.  I was in a daze…at least it felt like it.

What was maybe disturbing to realize once I got my computer, was how even though I did not virtually respond to them by commenting on any posts I was still commenting mentally or to my boyfriend.  That was a form of a response…even if no one was around to hear or witness it.  I was still interacting with the N even though I wasn’t physically responding to them.

During my period of unwired I didn’t have anything to respond to.  There was no constant stimulation that acted as a reminder and that filtered into my live conversations with other people.  And with people, I wasn’t noticing or chewing or dissecting apart a semi-abnormal conversation.  Looking back, I did have some Nness around me but I hadn’t even bothered mentally to digest it.  It was like it became registered but not allowed to enter my most inner, deep thoughts.  And now I think, was that healthy?

Maybe it was just denial…I don’t know…for a brief period in my life I think I felt like an emotionally healthy person…like I never had an N mother…I was just me.



Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s