My computer crashed and something happened. Besides the realization of just how dependent I am on this 13inch by 10 inch object I realized I was in a No Contact mode. My No Contact mode was serious…my other access to a computer is at work – no personal e-mail, blogs, social networks or anything that seems like it might be a cool site gets the universal response: ACCESS DENIED. My boyfriend’s computer was my only other access but it is his computer and he travels a lot for work – taking it with him.
So, for the most part I have a pseudo No Contact with my Ns and the only real contact I still have with some of them is digitally. I still see their updates on Facebook and other social networks. The residual Ns after letting them fade out of my life.
For this brief period I was in true NO CONTACT. And I didn’t realize it until I got my new computer up and running. If my boyfriend was gone all week I had one whole week of NOTHING. And I found myself not talking about the N. I was just going about my life and not even reflecting on anything N. People said N things to me and somehow I don’t even think I noticed. I was in a daze…at least it felt like it.
What was maybe disturbing to realize once I got my computer, was how even though I did not virtually respond to them by commenting on any posts I was still commenting mentally or to my boyfriend. That was a form of a response…even if no one was around to hear or witness it. I was still interacting with the N even though I wasn’t physically responding to them.
During my period of unwired I didn’t have anything to respond to. There was no constant stimulation that acted as a reminder and that filtered into my live conversations with other people. And with people, I wasn’t noticing or chewing or dissecting apart a semi-abnormal conversation. Looking back, I did have some Nness around me but I hadn’t even bothered mentally to digest it. It was like it became registered but not allowed to enter my most inner, deep thoughts. And now I think, was that healthy?
Maybe it was just denial…I don’t know…for a brief period in my life I think I felt like an emotionally healthy person…like I never had an N mother…I was just me.