So… when people show you who they are, believe them. It saves a lot of time and aggravation.
Thank you, Joyful Alive Woman! Through just listening and not reacting (and fighting my natural learned tendencies) I discovered that I was able to see who was an N. From just ‘letting’ I ‘spotted’ 2 new people in my life as Ns. I cautiously proceeded with my interactions with them before drawing anything definitive from it. Another great blogger, Kathy Krajco (RIP), said that she has learned how to spot Ns and she moves cautiously with them without pre-judging. I also took this with me as I ‘let’ 2 new people (both females) into my life this year.
One of the things I discovered is that I was able to ‘spot’ the N immediately and move cautiously…this saved me a lot of aggravation. Here is a list of what I discovered about myself and when I was first getting to know a potential N. Have you noticed other early warning signs?
How to Spot an N….Immediately: the early warning signs
- The first impression is great! My first few encounters with them gave me a great first impression! I liked them right way!
- My natural tendency is to be attracted to Ns. That is what is comfortable to me so it makes sense that I am naturally attracted to them. Now, I put it to good use!
- Makes a negative out of nothing. I’ve noticed this in all my females Ns…they take a fact (it isn’t positive or negative) and make it a negative for you…when in fact it can easily be a positive.
- One of them said to me (upon learning that I was an only child)…‘doesn’t it suck to be an only child, you don’t have that personal connection with someone…that special bond.’
- The other one said to me (she is a co-worker): ‘do you like that sort of work on that project, I wouldn’t want to do that project.’
- Hiding comparisons in empathetic/sympathetic statements. Ns love making comparisons, especially if it makes them look and feel good about themselves. But often, the comparisons they make at the beginning of a ‘friendship’ can be masked. They wouldn’t want to alert you too soon to their Nness!
- One N said to us about their other 2 friends: ‘E & J are not used to all this (sympathy), we are able to do all this walking around, I guess, because we have kids.’
- Creates an image for you. Ns love creating their image the most, they love creating images of others, the second most. My pre-Ns made assumptions about me without any facts. Nobody told them this information but they assumed things about me.
- One of the pre-Ns stopped a conversation when a friend of mine said something about me (which was positive)…she turned to me and said…’oh, I thought you….’. She assumed and was hit with reality…that her reaction was to stop the conversation to get clarification that this actually happened. How messed up is that?
- Saying Thank You (over, over and over again). One of the things I noticed that the 2 ‘new’ Ns kept pointing out things they were being helpful in and my natural way of responding was to say ‘Thank You’. The pre-N at work (working on a project with her) kept telling me all the things she was doing and she ‘played’ it off like she was doing me tons of favors. I noticed that every time I saw her I was saying ‘Thank You’. And later into the project, she was actually not helping but stating things to make it seem like what she was doing was helpful or so generous.
- Saying Thank you is important but NOT when there is nothing to actually THANK. The way the N can communicate is to ‘paint’ you a picture of their helpfulness or generosity but in the end it didn’t help (and may have actually hindered) and the generosity came at a price.
- Communications with others. Since the Ns were new in my life I was usually around others and never really alone with them. So, I became more of an observer than a participant. Digital communication started up with one of them (Facebook). And from the communications with others and with me I could sit back and let them be. I started to see the lack of interest in what other’s had to say and how their communication seemed to more information seeking then out of a genuine concern for other’s well being.
This list is based on my personality and may not hold true in a lot of situations. Seeing a pattern helped me understand myself and my natural tendencies…this helped me hold back, hold judgement before putting any energy into a new ‘friendship’. After more time with them I did come to realize that these 2 were in fact Ns. The early warning signs did help me and save me from a lot of grief in the future.
Does anyone know of other warning signs you have noticed when first getting to know a potential N?