It is just too

Happy New Year!  I wish you all the best for the coming the year!

As the end of 2011 approached I thought about all the things that happened this past year.  I started 2011 without a job and began writing this blog.  I got to meet great people, read good reads, and found support.  I read the book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough, only to find that recovery, although simplified in a book, is a difficult personal journey that can not be sequentially numbered.  I discovered amazing writers in so many blogs where I cried so hard that I almost drowned my laptop and laughed so loud that my stomach hurt – all of which gave me strength in recovery.  I said Goodbye to 2 N female friends only to gain 2 more.  I became un-unemployed only to find that some of my friends preferred being my friend when I was unemployed.  My uncle and a schoolmate throughout junior high and high school passed away.  Life is too short.  I reconnected with some members of my Family of Origin (my aunts, NM’s sisters) and look forward to a healthy relationship in 2012 with them.   I realized that I can spot an N almost immediately – I can be cautious and not pre-judge.  I dealt with a lot of my behaviors, understanding my N reactions to things and realizing I have a lot more work ahead.  Maybe the biggest thing for me was realizing that some people didn’t like me…and I was okay with that.

As I move forward into 2012 I take with me all this and the most important thing.  Life is just too damn short.  It is too short to spend one second with an N and put energy into a relationship with an N.  It is too short for the BS that they put people through, it is too short to live a lie for their sake, it is just too short.

RIP Uncle and VC.

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10 thoughts on “It is just too

  1. Hi! Love this… so true. I’ll be posting again shortly about a friendship I ended this morning. Indeed, life is too short. Those of us who are two sweet and too shy to speak up have had to learn how to spot a N and avoid them (or get rid of them quickly and cleanly).

    Love, joyfulalivewoman

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    • Hi there!

      Thank you. Looking forward to your posts!

      You’re right…the ‘No Contact’ approach is a difficult choice…I guess, whatever we decide what is best for us, we have to be able to live with the decision in the end.

      I’m lovin’ the spot the N right away thing…once I get that first tingle on the back of my neck I just do what you wrote in one of your posts (the Maya Angelou one)…I let them be. I sit back and watch and come to a more sound decision about their Nness. Love, love that post!

      I’ll catch up with you on your blog!

      Love,
      T Reddy

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      • T Reddy,

        I wanted to ask you about the ‘unfriend’ process. When you came to the realisation of a friend being an N and you ‘say goodbye’ to them, is it that you just distance yourself until there’s a natural loss of contact, or do you actually confront them?

        Kell

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      • Hi Kellie,

        As much as I try to organize my thoughts about the N in this blog…the truth is every person’s context/situation is different. Here below are my 2 experiences in unfriending an N (a bit long :).

        Until now, I have not confronted any N on his/her narcissism. I have confronted the N many, many times on their specific behaviors and address their behaviors immediately when it happens and when I am alone with them. For example, Marian (who has NPD) would tell me at every single lunch break at work how many calories my food has…(literally everyday). That was irritating so I told her I did not like hearing the number of calories in my food as I am eating it and if she could stop. She blew up in my face and started attacking me…telling me I am so sensitive to everything she says…her voice was almost to the point of yelling. Most empathetic people would say…okay, I won’t do that anymore. So, for me confronting her on her narcissism would not be the best thing for me since she just blew up in my face about the calorie thing. I began to distance myself by not giving her the supply…I became pretty good at recognizing her patterns in her behaviors…she probably sensed that the supply was gone…the attention, etc…and so she started punishing me in small ways…making me feel bad about a lot of things that I had shared with her in the past. With Marian…I worked with her, lived in the same small town, went to the same gym and carpooled with her. She was in my daily life even if I ‘chose’ to do NO contact. The ‘let it fade’ was not working…and then I had to end it abruptly. I took about 6 months of trying the fade thing…I weighed my consequences of ending the friendship…and decided that I could live with the worst case scenarios (mutual friends not talking to me, higher cost in traveling to work, etc.). And then I just ended it…I said I wasn’t carpooling with her anymore and I just stopped speaking to her (luckily we did not work in same departments so we did not have to associate professionally). I didn’t unfriend her from Facebook until 6 months later…the reason…we still worked for the same company…I left the company and on the day I handed my resignation I unfriended her on Facebook.

        When I realized Lydia was N she had already moved from our small town. And the distance between us helped me realize that she didn’t see me as a friend. She was just using me. And since there was natural distance (8 hour car drive to see each other) I figured the fade approach would work this time. I stopped with the supply…and when they visited or we visited them they verbally attacked me…in even more cruel ways…making me feel bad about being unemployed or how I was learning a foreign language…really mean. I had mentally said ‘goodbye’ so the verbal attacks were just demonstrating just how messed up Lydia and her husband are. After this I decided I couldn’t do this anymore and if they ask to stay with us the next time I will say NO…we have not visited them in a year. So far, the lack of visits, emails or my ‘Like’s or Comments on Facebook have been working. It seems the fade approach is working for now…so I am hoping that this is the ‘end’ of the friendship.

        Much support in finding your way.

        x
        T Reddy

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        • Hi T Reddy,

          Thank you so much for taking the time to reply,

          Sometimes I have such a strong urge to confront a friend about being an N, but I know it wouldn’t change anything apart from replace my angry with guilt. Luckily one of my N friends now has a boyfriend so there has been a natural distance forming which provides me some relief.

          I wanted to ask you another question. In my case, thankfully I’m not getting as much of the nit picking and negative remarks that you have experienced, instead the thing that bothers me about my N’s is they talk till the cows come home! After 3 hours with one of my N’s I have no energy left, I feel neglected and depressed and I spend the next day at home alone trying to regain energy.

          I wondered if in your experiences you’ve noticed a correlation between N’s and one-sided conversations? And if so how do you deal with these monologues to protect your energy and your sanity?

          Kellie

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    • You’re welcome.

      Sorry to hear about your N friends. With Ns it seems to always be one-sided conversations…even when it ‘seems’ to be about you…it is about them. A lot of articles and writings mention N in terms of whether they ‘take’ away or not. If, for example, you are in conversation and the N ‘hogs’ the conversation and talks about themselves constantly then this form is different from the form where they talk about themselves and make a verbal attack (subtle insult, comparison, highlight your failure to show their successes, etc.)…they essentially try to get their self-esteem by attacking you. Both are annoying and can make one feel drained at the end – the later is more emotionally scarring to the receiver and unhealthy.

      You know your situation the best. I am a supporter of finding your own answers and always questioning what is written (even in this blog). I share with you below my experiences to add to your investigation.

      I have people in my life that are both types of N…and the ‘take’ away kind is the worst for me especially because of having grown up with an N mother. These are the one’s that I do ‘No Contact’ with and I spoke of in the response prior. When I was investigating and collecting info when I was dealing with Marian (NPD)…I came across an article (can’t find the link) but it essentially stated that when speaking with the N, speak of all the mundane things in your life…basically bore them so they want to end the conversation. The article went on to say that it needs to be really, really boring…so I tried it with Marian…one day she cornered me during lunch time…I started talking about doing my laundry…how sometimes when I separate the colors from the whites I find that I can put in the light tan clothes in with the whites and the whites will be okay. I even forgot once and had a red sock get into my white clothes…but the red sock was so old that it didn’t ruin the white load…(bored yet?). It was difficult at first but once I got into it…I could go on and on…and it worked…Marian ended the conversation and went back to work. But this tactic only provided temporary relief and not a permanent way for me to stop how I was feeling when I was around her.

      The other Ns in my life who love to talk about themselves…are draining but not in too much of a negative way. It still is draining but I set limits with them…I always have a way to set the time…somewhere to go to next. This type is all about boundaries and it was up to me to set them. I sort of prepare myself…knowing that I won’t really be able to share with them the stuff going on in my life.

      The other thing that helped me (when dealing with an N) was focusing more on who I am as a person. I am introverted. There are many definitions out there and I found a definition that fit how I felt. Introverts become energized from being alone…so when they do interact with people or go to parties/events…they get drained. I like interacting with people but I find that it is hard for me to have events on Friday night and Saturday night…by Sunday I am drained and need alone time. My Significant Other is an extrovert and for him he loves it when our social calendar is full. It helped explain why I get drained and feel exhausted.

      I hope this helps. All the strength for dealing with your Ns and finding your solution.

      x
      T Reddy

      P.S. Your question inspired a post…would you mind if I mentioned you as source of inspiration?

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      • I’m an introvert too!

        About a year ago a friend told me about the Myers Briggs test, and the results were such an eye opener. I remember through university forcing myself to go out to parties, and feeling like a freak or a ‘nana’ if I didn’t. The revelation of me needing to be alone to revitalise has made me so much more comfortable in myself. These days my Saturday would consist of doing one event or catching up with one friend, instead of cramming in too much. I also factor in ‘me’ time.

        Regarding the one-sided conversations, I always have an escape plan when meeting my N friends. When we go for coffee my maximum is 2 hours before I need some breathing space. I’ll have to try the tactic of boring them to death. 🙂 Sometimes I try and fight for the conversation, try to be a dramatic, flamboyant woman going on about current events but it’s just so unnatural for me and doesn’t alter the issues I face.

        On your point: ‘I won’t really be able to share with them the stuff going on in my life.’ This is the case for me with my N friends as well, and I find it incredibly sad. At the same time this sadness is replaced by anger as I think to myself ‘Do you not care about me at all!?’ At this point the question becomes, why do we keep them as friends?

        I’d be honoured for you to use me in your post. X

        Kellie

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      • Hi Kellie,

        Thank you…I’m working on the post…about the one-sided conversation!

        Good point…why bother with the friends that don’t even seem to ask about us? The ones in my life are at arms length…how can they be closer if I’m not sharing my life with their’s? They are fun to be around…and I do like them. I reserve most of my energy for truer, closer friends. 🙂

        Wishing you the best going forward with the friends.

        x

        Like

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