As a contrast to the last post about if you should be nice to a frenemy or narcissist, this post is about when are they nice? Because they can be nice, they have their moments!
There are predictable moments when a female frenemy or narcissist will be nice to you. I began to notice a pattern when dealing with the frenemies and narcissists in my life.
Frenemies or Narcissists have an ulterior motive for being nice; Nice is a means to an end!
The moment they are nice is the moment they need something from you. I was blind to their niceness because at first it was not recognizable that they were after something. Marian wanted to use me and my car. She wanted me to chauffeur her around and sometimes wanted me to be the designated driver for her.
The female narcissist, to my observations, is nice to you in terms of compliments. There are the few moments when you hear a pure compliment instead of a back-handed one.
Pay attention, stay alert when you hear a pure compliment come your way…the favor they want from you is just around the corner.
Lydia just last week was being nice. Lydia never responds to my emails unless I send 2 or 3 emails. I stopped doing this when I realized she was a narcissist. All of sudden last week I got an email entitled ‘Just Hi’.
Just HiHow’s things in your city? Any plans for the long weekends? Would like to plan and come visit you guys some time soon. BBQ season is definitely here and we’re missing our drinking buddies!(see below for follow-up¹)
Here is the thing…when Lydia goes home to her parents she makes a ‘pit’ stop at our house and then continues the drive onwards to her home country. In a previous post I mention that Lydia and her family come through and use our place as a hotel. The email is NOT to say Hi and see how we’re doing. It is to talk dates so she can plan her holiday and stay at my apartment on her journey…a free bed & breakfast!
Narcissists or frenemies are nice to you when:
1. They want something from you. They are using you to get what they need. Whether it is a ride somewhere, borrow something, helping them move or babysit…they are nice to you at the moment of need.
2. They are feeling grandiose. When something really good happens to them…a promotion, their soccer team winning, buying a new car, came back from vacation…they are nice to you. They are getting the attention from everyone and then some…they will be super sweet to you at this time.
3. When they get a sense that their normal attention or niceties are being withheld from them. When I started changing my behavior to Marian and Lydia (waiting for them to respond to an email instead of following up or not giving them attention over and over again) they started to be super nice to me. It was disgusting…I wasn’t rude or didn’t do a 180 on them I just recognized that I was being overly attentive to them and that is not normal. When I adjusted my behaviors they noticed and then the superficial compliments came my way. Don’t worry, it won’t last for long. They will then turn on you if you continue down this path.
It is unfortunate that a person you call a friend feels the need to treat you nicely only to get something from you. If you are unsure about how genuine they are then you may be able to see patterns in their behaviors after they give you a compliment or offer you help that really isn’t help.
Taking a step back and just observing their behaviors and letting them be who they are will tell you instantly about who they are. True friends will not be nice to you to get things or favors from you, they will just be nice by nature and expect nothing in return…just true friendship.
¹I responded to the questions however I decided to not take the ‘bait’ on getting together. Lydia later caught me on Live Chat on Facebook and then wanted to talk dates (on when she would be coming through).