Kill ‘em with Kindness
This phrase makes me laugh. The meaning is to be overly kind to someone to the point that he or she becomes annoyed and doesn’t bother you anymore. I don’t really know in what situation this has worked?
For a frenemy or narcissist being nice, sweet and kind is not necessarily the most effective way in dealing with them or annoying them enough to drop you as a friend. In fact the opposite could happen – the situation could become worse for you.
Acts of kindness like compliments, helpful favors and support can come at a price. If you start being extra nice or kind to your frenemy or narc then this isn’t a sincere form of kindness.
- Believe it or not: A frenemy or narcissist can distinguish real, genuine kindness from fake, insincere kindness
When they sense fake kindness they can become irritated to the point where you are back at square one: being used, manipulated, insulted, etc. I am not sure if the fakeness works to drive them away…I have never attempted this course of action mainly because it makes me to stick to my stomach to be nice to a narcissist (at least once I figured out that they are one). If anyone has had this work please share your story.
If you are naturally kind or a people pleaser (I am) then your real kindness is something the narcissist picks up on. They have this uncanny ability to sense this about you from the beginning and twist compliments, favors and support out of you.
- Kind people such as people pleasers attract narcissists, narcissists can tell within a short time frame of knowing you that you are the ideal candidate to give them a constant stream of narcissistic supply.
The sad part is the fact that your kindness gets abused by the frenemy or narc. The good side is that once you have identified your friend or partner as a one then you can begin to do something about it. Before I discovered this complicated phenomenon of the ‘frenemy’ or ‘narcissist’ I can honestly say that my acts of kindness led to more abuse from them. Here a few examples:
When going to visit Lydia (lives 8 hours away) I offered to buy some things from the country I live in because she can’t them in the country she lives in. The list that came back was longer than my normal grocery list that I thought she was joking at first. I didn’t mind getting things for her kids but she had items on there for herself and the brands plus she wanted me to go to 2 different stores. Okay…the list was very long…but when I had asked her it took her 2 weeks to respond and she responded 3 days before we left. Because I worked I had to leave work one day early to make it before the store closed because she hadn’t sent her list before the weekend.
Whenever you give an inch the frenemy or narc takes a yard. No joke. Lydia’s lack of consideration with her untimely response and long grocery item showed her lack of friendship and gratitude. I have many more stories but will highlight one more.
Don and Lydia stay at our place on their way to see their families. Since the drive is long and we live in-between they stay with us and then continue the drive to their families. For the past one and half years they have stopped in now 4 times. Every time they stay with us it goes the same way. They go and do what they need to do…whether it is going to their shopping places or planning things we didn’t know about…we run a hotel. We have suggested things to do together but then we get a response ‘oh, we are going here…you are welcome to join us.’
The time they spent with us is not about spending time with us. It is about doing the things they need to do and going to the places they need to go to. They come and go as they please and use me and my fiance’s place as a hotel.
Because I know now that I am being used I have slowly been adjusting my behaviors. I no longer go out of my way for them. I don’t offer favors and I haven’t asked if they are coming through this summer. I’ve stopped. It is has freed me from them.
Any stories about being nice?