Gift giving is something that is very nice. Giving and receiving should always give you a good feeling but that doesn’t exist for a narcissist or even for a frenemy. Narcs are not capable of enjoying or sincerely being grateful for what they have received. And because of this they attack/insult us when they receive a gift.
I do not know why that is exactly? It seems at the moments you are the kindest to a frenemy or narc their response is the meanest. My only guess into their messed up psyche is that the adoration goes to you as the gift giver. You as the gift giver get the ‘Thank You’ and believe me they do not want to share the limelight with anyone. If someone were to notice the gift you got them and they got a complement on it, they would be upset that it was about you and not them. And if you combine this with their negative outlook on everything in life (that isn’t to do with them) then you get the mean, unusual, awful, hurtful comments back.
With both Marian and Lydia I found myself feeling so badly when I gave them a gift. I can still remember how they reacted to them. When I gave Marian 2 gifts…one was a scarf from a trip and the other was a bracelet from the jewerly store she likes for her birthday. Upon receiving it she did the normal ‘Thanks’. Narcissists can say ‘Thank you’ in situations when they know they are supposed to. But the next day when we were alone she said…
‘oh I don’t really use scarves and the color doesn’t go with anything I have’
She lied…she wore scarves all the time and the color of the scarf was beige. I blamed myself for not getting the right gift. Her birthday gift was the same…she told me after a few weeks…
‘I never wear that bracelet you gave me…it doesn’t go with my outfits.’
The one time she wore it…she said ‘see, I’m wearing it.’ Ugh…no good feelings after that. She no longer received gifts from me.
With Lydia it went the same way. Because they (Don & Lydia) had dropped off and picked us up from the airport we got them something when we went on vacation. We got them a scarf (it is a scarf from a special region and you can’t get it in any store). Lydia didn’t even muster the word ‘Thank you’ and did not even take the scarf out of its packaging. Don at least had done that and said Thank you. A few weeks later Lydia says to me:
‘Oh, I got the usual scarf again from my sister in law. I just seem to get scarves and I never wear them.’
I felt so bad. I felt utterly terrible after she told me that. I recently stopped the gift giving for their birthdays and holidays. It is not worth the grief or the time and money I spent searching for a gift.
Any thoughts or other stories are welcome.
The Narcissistic Continuum: Super Santa