Playing Games

I love games.  Most kind of games, anyway.  Sports, board games, card games, trivia, video/computer games, dominoes, The Hunger Games and The Olympic Games.  I’m competitive.  I play to win.  I don’t routinely win but nevertheless, win or lose, I enjoy playing.

Luckily, during the holidays DH’s FOO (my in-laws) pass the time playing games.  They prefer to play card games and dominoes and I’ve learned a lot of new card games from them.  It is a way to get through uncomfortable time with them.

This last holiday break I began to realize something about how my in-laws approach game playing and had flashbacks to other times I have played games (not the mental kind ;) ) with other narcissists in my life.  

When I read the post and conversation at Releasing Jessie (A Validating Response), I began to understand that there are fundamental differences in many of my relationships – not at an opinion, perspective level, but at a much deeper level.

“They assume that I operate in exactly the same way as them. And this in congruency makes any sort of real relationship impossible.” - Jessie

This insightful comment was apparent at a more surface level when playing games socially with not only my in-laws but also other friends.  Playing a game with them seemed to highlight how differently we operate on a microscopic scale.

Child’s Play

Whenever we visit the best friends of DH’s parents, we also pass the time with games, not the preferred card games or dominoes of my in-laws, but with their preferred game – Taboo or Catch Phrase.  The skill crucial to winning at such communication style games is to have an ability to relay information so that your teammates will guess the word or phrase stated on your card.

Word on card: Ice Skating Rink

Objective: have teammates guess the whole phrase correctly without using the words on the card or derivatives (skate, icy, etc.)

FiL: the place we used to take you kids, ya know, where we would go and one time you…

Every time, without fail, FiL or MiL would bring up his/her memory to help the teammates guess the word.  Perhaps, what is funny, and sad at the same time, is that the majority of the people playing the game (other party guests DH’s FOO didn’t know very well) couldn’t effectively guess (including me).  During the course of the game, it never occurred to them to adjust their approach.  If you were on their team, you struggled.

However innocent it is and not necessarily crucial to life, playing a communication style game like this with narcissists potentially reveals a fundamental difference in how they view the world.  And what is also revealing is the lack of self-awareness of how if one approach or strategy doesn’t work, maybe consider another.

The idea of viewing the world one way and not through another way or another person’s perspective illustrates a similarly between how narcissists and toddlers view the world – hence, adult narcissists engage in child’s play, literally.  I read an interesting article about how children begin to develop the ability to understand or consider the thoughts and feelings of others.  This switch happens at an early developmental stage and one that parents may be able to aid their children as to help them connect with others into adolescence and adulthood.

“this modest development allows us to survive and thrive in an interconnected, social world” – Rebecca Schwarzlose

Article: Scientific American, “The Benefits about Talking about Thoughts with Tots”


For all the enjoyment I get out of playing sports or games, it can easily be diminished by a postmortem – a re-telling, re-assessing – of the game when it is over and done with (excluding when it is done to gain knowledge, insight for the future).  There is no harm done with a bit of thrash-talk or teasing in someone’s ability to lose or win a game.  It is social camaraderie.  But often this can go too far with DH’s FOO and even with DH at times.

For example, when we play dominoes there are 10 rounds to 1 game that ultimately determines the winner of the game; the score is tallied at the end of each round and the sum of the rounds determines the winner.  At the end of each round FiL’s postmortems include:

If he wins the round:  “I knew that would work and get me out soon” or “I planned that well, didn’t I?”

If he loses the round: “If you hadn’t made that move I would have won” or “You messed me up, if you hadn’t played that, I would have…” or “You were being nasty by playing that”

Normally, a statement like this I could tolerate but consistently after each round for multiple games, it got to me.  I was slowly getting annoyed.  I couldn’t figure out why but then I realized FiL may view winning and losing very differently than many of us.

In most games, there is an element of ‘luck’ and also an element of ‘skill’.  When the proportion is well-balanced, the game is fun (when playing games socially).  In dominoes, the luck comes from the tiles you are dealt and the skill is attributed to what you do with your given hand.

What FiL, I believe, does unconsciously is attribute his ability to win to his skill and the reason he loses to luck or purposeful sabotage on another counterpart (blaming).  The principle of winning is attributed internally (to his ability) and the principle of losing is attributed externally.  When in fact, both luck and skill are factors in the outcome (in such games).  


Sore Loser

It sucks to lose a game.  It isn’t very fun.  When the stakes are high, losing can really suck. I can imagine for many Winter Olympic Athletes in Sochi that nothing less than the gold is crushing.  Losing at quiz night at a pub, not so much.

During our trip to Glasgow with Don and Lydia (good friends), we headed to a pub after dinner and coincidentally it was Quiz Night.  The place was full for a weekday and we were lucky to get a table to play.  We paid our admission fee for playing and ordered our drinks.  There are multiple trivia rounds to the overall quiz that determines the final winner.

As we collectively answered the questions in Round One, Don started to get antsy on the questions where we were uncertain.  At the end of the round, we handed in our answer sheet and the results of Round One were announced – we came in last place (only for the round, mind you).  Don gets up and says, “hurry and drink up, we’re leaving”.  DH and I look at each other confused (as there were more rounds to go).  Don, even before we were done with our drinks, gets up and heads out the door.  As we followed Don to another pub (no quiz night and ironically, no people) he begins to blame DH and me for the answers and why we came in last.  Don grew antsy again because the pub was too boring so we headed out to a club, where we spent the rest of the night, unable to talk because of the loud music.

This incident wasn’t inconsistent with other patterns.  We regularly had game nights with them (playing various games).  Whenever Don lost, he switched the game.  At one point he bought a new game – Top Gear Board Game – and DH, I and Lydia repeatedly lost (for none of us except Don watched this show and he is a car fanatic).  It may not surprise you that DH and I are no longer friends with them.

“I’m very competitive.  I love to win but worse, I hate to lose.” – Samy (wife of DH’s friend)

These words were stressed upon DH and me the first and only time we played games with Samy and Lou (DH’s friend).  They decided on Scrabble and unfortunately Samy lost (in all fairness she didn’t know that DH and I play this game often).  Well, we stopped after one game and she then asked us if we had ever heard of another game and we told her that we hadn’t.  Needless to say, she went and grabbed that game and she taught us how to play it and well, she won.  We continued this game into the rest of the evening.

The pattern of Sore Loser is a commonality I have seen with DH’s FOO and friends.  It is, of course, no fun to continuously play a game which one loses at.  Routinely beating someone takes away the fun in playing games socially.  For some, even one loss cannot be tolerated, for it takes on a deeper meaning in a psyche that cannot differentiate the shades of grey in life.

Predator or Prey?  Be neither.

Glimpses into how FiL, MiL, SiL, Don or Samy operate have often left me confused.  I have, at times, wondered if they view a different reality.   No doubt, how a person plays a game is not indicative of any sort of narcissism.  It goes far beyond the ability to have fun playing a game, the fact that there is no real connection and why, oh why, we never seem to have a real conversation, a real relationship is fundamentally the problem.  It’s when the games have gone too far.

Any stories about game playing with narcissists?


Further reading:

Releasing Jessie: A Validating Response

The Masks of a Narcissist: a Halloween Special

What Makes Narcissists Tick (Kathy Krajco, RIP) is a blog that helped me along the way.  I have been re-reading her posts this week and I came across one I don’t remember reading and her insight in this particular post entitled, Imagine You Are a Narcissist, got me thinking about the many masks of a Narcissist.  And it seemed appropriate as Halloween is coming up.

Halloween is the one time of the year that everyone is ‘allowed’ to be someone else.  You let go of your reality to literally put on a mask or costume…pretend to be someone else.  Well, a narcissist is celebrating Halloween 365 days a year.  They are wearing a mask with a purpose…to get what they want as Kathy Krajco points out in this post (part of post below, click here for entire post).

Imagine that you are a narcissist. Remember, to do this, you must do everything you do solely for effect: to draw a reaction from others that gets what you want from them. No other consideration matters to you.

Remember also that you have this unbearable pain inside, the pain of unbearable shame. All your life you have felt like you’re inferior, not up to standards, worthy of contempt. But you keep awareness of that at bay by playing pretend that the opposite is true = that you are god and that the rest of humanity (except for the very special people like you) are dirt beneath your feet.

But every time someone in your workplace or family treats you like an ordinary man or woman and as their equal, worthy of your consideration and respect, they are challenging your precious delusions of superiority.

You HATE that! Because every time they relate to you as a man, they inadvertently remind you that you are not a god. And that makes those true feelings you have repressed surface to consciousness on you.

You must stop that from happening! So, in terror, you instantly ATTACK anyone who inadvertently says or does something that reminds you that you are not God.

You will do anything – ANYTHING – to prevent a moment of self awareness! Because you have this dark, unutterable terror that it would kill you. Really, you are that frantically afraid of seeing your true self in a mirror.

So, you are playing Pretend 100% of the time. 24-7-365.

We know this mask.  The ATTACK mask!  Any ATTACK: the subtle insults or the out right ones, the no response, ignore, defame your character, even yelling, constant criticizing.  All because we treated them like a human instead of as a superior being.

Bottom Line: You kill your pain by causing others pain. (In other words, like a three-year-old, you pretend that you can transfer it to others.) You glorify your image by trashing others’ image.

But what happens if the N does’t get what they want and we figure them out.  We figure out that they try and hurt our feelings, they don’t treat us like humans…what happens then?

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what you will do. You will just switch masks. Now you put on your “victim” mask. Your “Who-poor-little-old-me?-I-wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly” act. What better place for the devil to hide? Now you whine about what a wretched childhood you had. Now, so that people don’t realize that you are just a predator who attacks any vulnerable prey in sight, you say that the victim hurt your poor, poor, tender feelings and that you were just lashing out in self defense.

They make the switch to get what they want.

After reading this I realized and understood more about the male and female narcissists in my life…more about why they were one way one minute and another in the next.  Don, a NM, believes his job is prestigious and women are inferior, etc.  As soon as something reminds him that he isn’t all that: my remarks against his chauvinistic behavior…he ATTACKS me.  Why, because I tell him that men and women are equal when he says otherwise.  If he can say that WOMEN are inferior then I can say that WOMEN are EQUAL.  But when I remind him that his words are false…he insults everything about me.  He can’t take it anymore.

The female Ns in my life play the superior complex a little differently…it depends on what is important to them…being the ‘perfect’ mom or a career woman or the most friends, best social life or clothes, house, etc.  In one or all of these things they think they are superior to everyone else!  Lydia believes she is the ideal mother.  She ATTACKS other moms she knows…subtly criticizing their methods or approach.  She is obsessed with this to the point that she has to tell people her kids are happy (twice in one sentence).  In my opinion, you don’t have to tell your friends your kids are happy.

With Marian, her job was important.  She had to be superior to everyone else.  The reality of it was that she was not.  Every time she was reminded of it (which was almost everyday at work) she threw a fit at work.  She ATTACKED her colleagues and then proceeded to manipulate managers by defaming their character.

But something interesting I noticed with Lydia and Marian, they usually claim superiority in a few aspects of life whereas Don claims superiority in everything…a god-like…manner.  However, Lydia and Marian switched to the VICITM mask often whereas Don did so infrequently.  He made excuses but he still wanted to maintain the control.  Lydia and Marian played VICTIM more often, finding this a more effective technique among people like me and other female friends.

What masks have you seen from your Ns?

How a Narcissist defines…

Friendship and Friends.

Dictionary definition

Friendship: the state of being friends

Friends: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard

This is how Friendship was defined by our friends Lydia and Don (married Narcissistic Couple).  When Lydia and Don were moving from the town we lived in together to a place 8 hours away by car this what each of them said to us on one of last nights getting together for drinks.

Lydia: ‘It was nice to live in this Town, after you have lived her for a while you meet people that you can rely on.  We have people here that if we need something we can call them right away to get something done.  We will have to find those people in our new place.’

Don: ‘The move is a good thing for us.  After all, we have no emotional ties to anyone in this Town.’

On the walk back I was so sad from these comments.  At that time I hadn’t realized how Narcissistic they are.  But I was so hurt…it was like Lydia valued the fact that they could call us to babysit their kids anytime, we moved them to their new house (everything piece of furniture)…only what we did for them…and it was clear by what Don said…no emotional ties…they didn’t see us as friends…just people to serve them.

Even in what seems to be like normal conversation the Narcissist reveals themselves in such subtle ways.

T Reddy

P.S.  Here is some information if you are recovering from a Narcissistic Mother.



Dr. Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, presents her five-step recovery model for daughters of narcissistic mothers. A 2 and ½ day workshop at the Inverness Hotel in Denver, is scheduled for October 7, 8 and 9, 2011. The five-step model includes:

•Learn how to accept your mother’s limitations.

•Gain assistance in the grief process required for healing.

•Recognize the importance of separation/individuation and the significance to building your own sense of self.

•Work on becoming your authentic self.

•Discover how to deal with your mother and have healthy interaction with appropriate boundaries.

•Learn how to deal differently with narcissistic family dynamics including fathers and siblings who don’t understand.

•Stop the legacy of distorted love in parenting, love relationships and friendships.

Register now! The deadline for registration is October 1, 2011. 20 hour CEU letter available for therapists.

Go to or call 303-420-9565. 

Karyl McBride, PhD, LMFT
Author of: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Male and Female Narcissism

I became interested in the topic of the differences between male and female narcissists when I realized that one of my friends, Don, is a male narcissist.  Until that time the narcissists in my life had been female – which is contrary to much of the literature stating that male narcissism is more prevalent (75% of all narcissists are male).  I have disagreed with this and highlight the findings that I found useful on this investigation.

Is Narcissism more prevalent in males than in females?

Kathy Krajco’s Blog Narc-attack has a post entitled ‘NPD? A Male Disease?  An Adult Disease?’  She answers this question beautifully.  Females are just as prevalent and are underrepresented in the statistics.  The females I have dealt with are more vicious than the males and are more clever at coming across as saints to the general public.  The subtly of the female narcissists makes people think we are the ones that are crazy instead of them.  Dare I say I do not openly talk about this subject with many people and have reduced my thoughts to this blog.

The next question for me was:

What exactly are differences in male and female narcissism?

I read a website which explains the differences (Winning Teams).  It highlights probably the most significant difference: subtly.  Men assert their narcissism directly and females do so indirectly.  That may explain why female narcissists can go undetected and why at first it is not evident that the female is narcissistic.

With my dealings with Don he is indeed more assertive…or aggressive in his narcissistic expressions.  He hogs the conversation and competes with you directly.  He will outwardly say that his job is more complex and in higher status and pay than yours.  He says his car is better than yours.  He will tell you that you have nothing going on and he is busy all the time.

Lydia, his wife, expresses narcissism much more indirectly.  She mentions that she has a new car and tries to weave it into the conversation, she instead ever so often tell stories about her dealings with the new car.  She makes a joke about you rather than directly tell you that you have no life.  She is the queen of subtly insulting you and showing her superiority.

What is interesting about dealing with Don & Lydia is that my boyfriend is not that bothered by Don.  He recognizes that Don talks all the time and my boyfriend has to interrupt to get a word in.  However, my boyfriend is not as upset with Don as I am.  Don is more verbally hurtful towards me than my boyfriend.

Does the male narcissist treat males and females differently?

My first response was YES!  I read an article entitled ‘A man with attitude – male narcissists‘.  This explains why the wife/girlfriend deals with the worst of it.  This explained why Don would verbally attack me and not my boyfriend.  Male narcissists are chauvinistic and old-fashioned.  Don does not like the fact that my relationship with my boyfriend is one of equality.

The male narcissist measures himself (competes) against other straight men.  This usually means that he has male straight friends who have a lower status (according to his measuring stick).  They don’t have a glamourous job or a high status/paying job.  If a friend of his were to obtain a better job (or more money, etc.) then the male narcissist will voluntarily drop this friend.

The women who are dealing with male narcissists…my heart goes out to you.  You should realize just how strong you are.  The fact is…no matter what sex, race, shape, form they come in…they are all terrible and truly evil.  I hope to one day be free.

Any thoughts on the differences are welcome!

Related post: Male N or Female N – which is worse?

T Reddy

A ripple effect

The actions of a narc have a ripple effect.  Tonight I had a reflection into my interactions with Lydia (who is married to Don, who has NPD).  Lydia’s behaviors towards me over the last 3 years of knowing her have been somewhat similar to how Don treats Lydia.

Lydia has a job, she is a stay at home Mom…it is the hardest job there is.  Don has repeatedly in a sarcastic manner made many comments to Lydia about how she doesn’t do anything at home, she sleeps and has it good.  I can’t begin to tell you how much his comments towards her bugged me…Lydia was raising their kids…he should recognize that and appreciate that…I have even opened up my mouth to Don when he made those comments only to be called a feminist and lesbian.

Lydia after repeatedly hearing this probably does not feel good about herself.  I guess that she feels like that because of how she treats me.  In the beginning of year 2008 I was looking for a job…during my unemployment she continuously (every weekend I saw her) reminded me of the fact that I am at home with nothing to do.  Those six months of searching for a job were not easy…she managed to remind me religiously that I have nothing better to do…her exact words.  I find myself in the same situation 2,5 years later, being unemployed because we moved to another country…she has started down this same path…she has said to me several times over email and instant messaging ‘got nothing to do’.  I am handling it better this time around because I know about NPD and she lives far away so she is only limited to digital form of communications.

My realization is that she hears what Don says, feels bad and tries to make herself feel better by putting me down, supposedly in her eyes…I am doing even less than her because I don’t have kids at home.  The ripple effect is horrible…even if I had only a friendship with Lydia and did not interact with Don very much…I would manage to still deal with the continuous negative comments.  The effect can be as small as the regular negative comments to something much worse.

T Reddy

Pretty Woman’s huge mistake

I hope anyone reading this has seen the American romantic comedy title, Pretty Woman, with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere.  There is one scene that is famous.  Julia Robert’s character goes back to a posh store where they first denied her service.  This time she is wearing very expensive clothes as opposed to the trashy outfit from the first time.  With the expensive clothes the sales people are fighting to serve her but she stops them and reminds them of the huge mistake they made yesterday when she was dressed in cheap clothing and they denied her service.  They could have had a big commission if they could see past the cheap clothing – a huge mistake.

I think of this movie at times when shopping in Belgium.  The high end, posh stores are just as snotty as what Julia Robert’s character experienced.  For this reason I don’t go into the posh shops where I live.

Upon telling Don (male NPD) that I don’t feel comfortable going into the posh shops because I don’t have the money to spend there plus their service is reserved for well dressed people – his response was priceless.  He simply said:

‘I get off on that, I live for that.  I love walking into the posh stores dressed in normal clothes and dropping 2000 euros just like that and they don’t expect it.  I really enjoy that.’

Of course, I was again left speechless.  I am not a person of zingers…I don’t have quick whit to respond to such a narcissistic thought.  In fact there are no words to go on about this episode with a narcissist.

Gift giving by Narcissists

The act of gift giving by a narcissist is not really an act of giving.  For the receiver – they don’t experience the usual happiness that goes with receiving a gift.  It becomes a deal they made with the narcissist, it is a gesture that you should be so thankful for that you should supply them with the adoration, power that they want and think they deserve.  It is by no means a gift for the narcissist.

As with previous posts, I refer to an incident that I have experienced because I found that speaking in vague terms didn’t help me:

The Gift of Chocolate Liquor

While visiting Don (has NPD) and Lydia (Don’s wife) just after the Christmas holidays conversation started with ‘how were the holidays, what did u do, etc?’.  Part of the day Lydia and I were hanging out and talking when she said oh, here is the Godiva Chocolate Liquor I got from Don this Christmas…she showed me the bottle in the cupboard and I said, ‘oooo very nice, that looks yummy.’  For the rest of the day I didn’t think anything of it.

That evening when we were sitting down and talking after dinner Lydia says to Don, ‘T Reddy wants some of my chocolate liquor that you got me.’  Sitting there surprised at what she said I stayed silent and then became hurt by what Don said next, ‘Absolutely not, she is not getting any of that liquor.’  Lydia said ‘well, it was a gift from you to me so I can decide if she gets some.’  Don replied, ‘I got that gift for you with my money and she is not allowed to have any, I can say who gets the liquor because I got it for you.’

That is no exaggeration of what he said.  I was sad for so many reasons.  One, I never wanted the liquor but Lydia wanted to open it and try some and she felt she had to use me as an excuse to do so.  Next, Don hadn’t given Lydia a genuine gift…he still saw the gift as his.  Lastly, he didn’t want to share the liquor with me or my boyfriend…he didn’t see us as friends.

After this incident I actually did not see Don as a friend anymore.  I don’t want to be around someone who obviously does not see us as friends and is so materialistic.  I felt bad for Lydia, she couldn’t tell her husband what she wanted nor had she enjoyed her Christmas gift.  She can’t do this which leads her to utilizing her friends to get what she wants…she obviously wanted to try the liquor…she has to use me to try to get what she wanted from her husband.

Gift giving is never simple with a narcissist.  It never is.


Related posts:

Giving Gifts to Narcissists

Myth 5: A horse is a horse, of course

Partners in Crime

When I looked at parents I often asked myself: how are they together?

I did find a lot of information on narcissism and their partners (since posting in 2011) but I don’t think there is an easy answer anymore to that.  I felt that in most of the couples I knew where one was highly narcissistic both were narcissistic and that is the reference I make to narcissistic couples – NOT one person with narcissism and the other not (being in a relationship with a N).  Being in a relationship with one and the term narcissistic couple are different terms.

My story in this post is about the couples I know where I have encountered highly narcissistic traits in both of them.  When I looked at how they behaved towards me it was a partners in crime approach.  Where both partners are narcissistic to each other and then separately narcissistic to their respective friends.

I have made a mistake in posting a theory that at the time gave me comfort but was really my own narcissism – classifying people.

I don’t think I will ever have an answer to why my Dad stuck it out with my Mother.  I wish he hadn’t.  I guess sometimes I feel crazy to think it would have been better if they got a divorce.

I really believe that my Dad and how he loved me (unconditionally) is the only reason why I am able to correct my narcissistic behaviours.

xx T

The Pasta Bowl

In my discovery of what NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) actually is in year 2010 I realized that not only was Marian the person who was around me with NPD but friends of mine for 3 years were in fact showing signs of this awful disorder.  Now, after discovering NPD it seems easy to identify everyone with it because at some point someone will act narcissistic and of course at times we as humans need to be so for self-preservation.  The one distinguishing factor for me is the consistency of the narcissism (all the time) rather than situational.  And the manner in which they make you feel about yourself through subtle insults.  So it was quite unnerving for me when I realized that Don has NPD.

Don is married to Lydia and they have two children (boy, 7 – girl, 5) and we hung out with them almost every weekend when we lived in the same town.  They moved in the beginning of the year 2010 and lived about 8 hours by car from us.  During one visit in the summer of 2010 I realized that Don may in fact have NPD but of course I told myself to be cautious…so I spent the next 7 months during our visits with them observing.

I was certain he had NPD from our last visit with them in January of 2011.  All his behaviours leading up to this time had reflected NPD and this one incident, The Pasta Bowl, verified he was a male NPD.  On the first evening we were having dinner with them Don could not join us for dinner as he said he had to take a phone call from his boss during dinner time.  My boyfriend who was not there that evening (because we were visiting them while my boyfriend was in town on business) because of a work dinner.  So Lydia, the kids, and I ate dinner while Don was in the bedroom talking to his boss.  The call lasted for two hours and at this point the kids had gone to bed.

After the phone call Don emerged from the bedroom ready to eat but of course did not go directly into the conversion – as if waiting for us to ask.  Lydia prepared him the spaghetti with sauce in a bowl and we sat down at the table as he started to eat (small note, Don sat at the head of the table).  He started to speak vaguely about the phone call and Lydia started to probe so that he wouldn’t be so mysterious with his answers.  As he started cutting the pasta some of the pasta dropped out of the bowl and it fell on the placemat.  When he saw this he said ‘What the f!@k is going on, what kind of F!@king bowl is this?’ in a truly upset, mad voice.  I was shocked…few pieces of spaghetti had fallen over…no biggy.  Nope, it was a big deal to him.  And then when I thought I couldn’t be more shocked – Lydia responded – I will buy the proper Pasta Bowls.  And in my head it was my turn to say ‘What the F!@k!’  He had caused the spaghetti to fall over with his aggressive cutting of the pasta…the bowl had too much pasta…the correct response is…Learn how to eat you freakin’ caveman!

So this incident will be forever in my head ingrained as the moment I realized that our friend, Don, had NPD and that our friend, Lydia, was dealing with it on a daily basis.  I felt so bad for her…I left their home with sadness for good friends and sadness that Don had never seen us as friends.