Sister Act

Thank you so much for the all the comments and thoughts of support regarding the visit of my SiL and BiL.  Your comments helped me get through the aftermath of dealing with all of it that much easier.  Hugs to you all.

The past few weeks have been difficult.  I sat in shame immediately after the visit.  I had to forget that emotion to get ready for my language exam and thereafter, a holiday break.  When I came back I relived the events, played the tapes.  After some distance it is amazing on what you pick up, what you now see so clearly.  As I peeled the layers of shame I meet anger and grief (for not having a sister within SiL).  I was alone at home (DH was traveling for work) and they were my companions this past week.

Although shame is a more recent emotion for me, I move through it a lot faster than grief and anger.  I don’t know why?  Maybe grief feels more raw to me because I think I have always had shame along side me – I think I have been able to ‘handle’ it because that was a common emotion my mother tried to instil in me.  Grief and anger were not allowed to be expressed at home.

And for me, grief and anger seem to be a more outward emotion.  Whereas shame, although a release, feels more internal and more of an exhale in the end.  Grief, for me, I need to cry, let the tears out and anger, I need to vocalise it, yell a bit (not at anyone) just get the words out of my mouth.

And it was nice to be alone to deal with my shame and grief but anger didn’t erupt until DH came home.  I needed a person in front of me to hear my story, hear my anger.  It came out at once and I was surprised at what came out of me.  Well, as one can imagine, it wasn’t pretty.

Among the name calling, I found myself saying things that really surprised me.  This one, in particular, took me and DH by surprise:

She is so dangerous, she is the danger that you don’t see coming.

Not that danger has signs but there are some dangers that have some warning signs.  And in my SiL’s case she is one that we don’t expect there to be a danger just from her presentation of herself.

DH asked me why I thought she was dangerous.  It would be easy to say that she is dangerous to my emotional well-being but I don’t believe that to be the case, nor do I suspect others reading this do either.  And the danger I meant had everything to do in the physical state of being.

I retold DH about our trip home for MiL’s funeral and when we were visiting with DH’s aunt and uncle and cousins.  We were all in the living room of FiL’s apartment and SiL was sitting in MiL’s chair (ironically) and she found a small pill bottle tucked between the cushion and the arm rest.  She read the medicine label (she’s an MD) and looked at it and said across the room to FiL – what are you taking this for?

I could already tell FiL did not want to get into this discussion in front of the family by his response – He said it was for high blood pressure.  SiL said that this is not the medicine he should be taking and that this has the opposite effect.  FiL asked for the capsule and she brought it over.  He looked at it and put it in his pocket.  SiL continues to tell him he should go talk to his doctor to make sure he is getting the right medication and that he should in no way be taking this medicine if he is having high blood pressure.  FiL just shrugged and didn’t respond.  There was silence and I looked straight at SiL and I saw her eyes look around the room.

I remember the only thing I could do was watch SiL because she was the one behaving in such a way that initially had scared me.  There were many things I am now taking away from this and one of those things is danger.

Kara and CS and in the comments have started insightful discussions in their recent posts on the relationship between emotions and our physical health.  And the emotional distress unhealthy people have on us is not spoken about often in terms of specific physical repercussions or root problems.  I only wonder now, if Ns have more of a direct impact on our physical health when dealing with Dr. Narcissistic SiL.

xxoo TR

Recognition of our Existence

I’m coming off of a not so great week – well, bad week to be exact.  This past week BiL and SiL were in town visiting us.  BiL (DH’s brother) met SiL in 2010 and since then DH and I have been getting to know her.  The visits have been short and always with a lot of people around (other family and friends).  Last year, we saw them during MiL’s funeral in October of 2012 and over the winter holidays.  I started to see a pattern to develop in how I was feeling around her and this led to an enormous amount of anxiety to their visit.

Even with all the anxiety, I felt I was handling it okay, relatively.  We had gone out to dinner two nights before with old friends who were in town for work and it was so great to hang out with people who didn’t make you feel shame or anything else.  It just felt great to catch up with them and reminisce a bit.

I went into the upcoming visit with a really good feeling.  It all crashed and burned, quickly. I didn’t even know it was happening.  I found myself carrying on the first day like it was my imagination.  Trying to talk myself out of my feelings.  By the second day it was pointless.  It was all too familiar.

My mother and MiL treated me this way.  Their ability to make me feel like I wasn’t in the room, like I didn’t exist, was amazing.  My SiL took over from where they left off.  She didn’t look me in the eye when speaking to me nor did she speak directly to me.  There were a few times when she referred to me in the third person when I was sitting across from her.  When it happened, I had to do a double take.  It was really a shock because only my MiL and mother had ever treated me this way.

Besides the lack of recognition from her, she controlled every aspect of the visit just as she had when we visited them.  She was patronising and condensing because of course, she knows it all because she is a doctor.  The part DH and I both loved – when they entered our apt – the first question – what is your WiFI password?.  It didn’t take very long before they were on their mobile devices.  And one would think it is important – nope.  They were on Facebook – sitting in the living room with us, not talking.  Since we see each other once or twice a year – of course connecting to your friends on your social network would be the natural thing to do.

I could go on but there is no need.  My feelings of utter worthless made everything clear.  I sat in the swampland the whole visit.  I reacted in ways so I could scramble for my worth.  I didn’t think through what was being said.  I checked out, didn’t engage in conversation.  I relied on my old stand-bys.  I was dealing with too many subtle behaviours to see it coming at me all at once.

After 3 days I was tired of it.  They left for Scotland for 3 days and would be back to our place before they went back to the US.  In that time, I thought I would have a chance to recover and deal with this all.  I was so wrong.  I faced my language class with all new students.  Two of which seemed to behave in a manner where they didn’t care for me.  I had thought, well, not everyone likes you for whatever reason.  It wasn’t something that I had thought was a big deal until I had my presentation.  When I started speaking I looked at all the people in the room – eye to eye (5 total).  As I continued to speak the two women who ‘seemed’ to not like me started doing other things during my presentation.  One got on her mobile and the other looked everywhere else but at me and spent time taking fuzz off her sweater.  Noticing this, I could tell I was losing my concentration and I wasn’t able to get my points across.  After I was done, the class is supposed to have a debate.  The woman who had been on her mobile said ‘this topic is not relevant and I can’t say anything about it because intelligence is not affected by technology – for me, the two are separate.’ (My topic was on how new technology influences our intelligence level – a topic I choose from BBC).

I had had it.  I was done.  I went home and just cried.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  It was too much.  My SiL not recognising my existence and then to have 2 students discard my presentation.  It was too much to take in in the span of 3 days.

And all the feelings from my mother came up and were confirmed by SiL’s behaviours and the 2 women from my class.  My existence is worthless.  It brought back all these old memories.  Memories and feelings, that although I am aware of, are still very hard to deal with and feel.  These were the very same feelings that could have led me down a path and they almost did.  These were the same feelings that had led me to question whether or not I should continue to live?

It was a rough few days.  I even questioned whether or not I should return to class.  I was looking for ways to run and hide.  I was looking for my escape.  Maybe I collapsed from this, found myself dealing with old traumas and reacting in old familiar ways.  As much as I saw the pattern in my mother, MiL, SiL and my new ‘friends’ at language class, I saw the pattern just as much within me.  I can’t run and hide.  That isn’t an option for me anymore.  It may take some time to change how I respond to people like this in my life but I won’t numb, run and hide from how I feel.  I won’t numb the feelings and say to myself and to others that it is okay to be treated like this.  Because it isn’t.  I have a right to show up to class because even if my presentation sucked according to a few people I am still worth it.  Even if my disgusting SiL can’t look me in the eye, guess what, I will still show up and be there.

It took me a good 3 days after SiL and BiL left to realise this.  I did nothing but lie on the couch for the last 3 days.  Man, how exhausting it is.

Thank you for listening.  Hugs, xxoo TR

Ça va? Ça va.

The past few weeks I have been taking intensive language lessons.  One of the modules was a 2 week oral communication course with six students.  I only knew one of the students but the rest I met the first day of class.

During the first day I noticed one of the students didn’t look me in the eye.  She seemed not to notice I was there or when I spoke in class she seemed to not listen to what I had to say.  The lack of recognition of being was a repressed emotion that had recently surfaced for me and I was a tune to it and more sensitive to feeling it.  The week continued and each day for 4 hours she did not seem to acknowledge my existence in any verbal or non-verbal way.  This was more apparent as others did not behave this way towards me.

It bothered me and I wanted to easily say to myself – she has N tendencies.  I know better – stay away.  I couldn’t help it.  I had to learn more (but actually I believe this was my natural attraction).  And in a way, I was relieved about making the decision to find out more for myself.  There could be a million and one reasons and she could actually be someone who does not have these tendencies.

By the last day of the intense module we all decided to go out for coffee.  A way of celebrating the fact that our brains did not explode from speaking a foreign language for 4 hours straight for 5 days.

During the class (before we went out for coffee), Alba (woman who did not acknowledge me) had to give her presentation that day on a topic of her choosing.  She chose Hugo Chavez.  She presented on him and then turned the discussion to us.  She didn’t ask any questions and so I stated my opinion on him and his presidency.  A few responded and a few declined commenting because they did not have enough information to share any opinions on it.

During the coffee outing, Alba states ‘I wanted to raise the level of discussion in our class by choosing this topic and no one could participate because they didn’t know international issues.’  This I found insulting and attackful.  I noticed that all of us let her comment go.  I don’t know why but I gathered she was feeling shameful about her ability to speak (she struggles orally in comparison).  Plus, I heard her fishing for compliments during our class breaks.  Our discussion continued to Americans and language in general.  Alba (who is Irish btw) brought up the point that Americans ask ‘how are you?’ but don’t wait for a response.  She pointed out that this behaviour is superficial and that Americans don’t really care how the other person is.

Since I have been living in Europe for 7 years I have heard this, I don’t know, about 1 million times.  It gets old.  When people started saying this to me I ignored it.  Thinking, well each person has their own opinion.  However, even this has changed for me.  I now address it. My response now:

It is not out of superficiality that Americans say ‘How are you?’ and don’t expect a response; it is an evolution of the language in the country; when I say ‘How are you?’ to a fellow American I don’t expect a response, it is a way of saying Hello for me.  We use ‘how are ya?’ as Hello.  When I want to find out the state or feeling of a person I either ask again or in a different way.  As we are learning in French, there is the standard use of the language and the way people actually use the language.

The Austrian in the group responded to this ‘Exactly’.  It was nice to hear because I felt this was putting myself and how I feel out there.  It was an insult to me and my fellow Americans to equate a characteristic of superficiality with one phrase that has evolved over the years. Whether deemed insignificant or not, her behaviour was an act of cruelty.

She continued to say things about Americans and other nationalities that I was not happy with it.  I walked away knowing I will not spend any more time on her.  She behaves narcissistically and I know my answer.  Don’t go there.

And guess what, she continued the module that I am taking this week.  At the beginning of the module the professor said to me after I spoke a bit that she has seen a good level of improvement from me orally in the language.  Since, ya know, I’m in recovery I forced myself to just take the compliment and enjoy it.

And you guessed it, Alba and I were waiting for the elevator together at the end of class.  She managed in the 1 minute we were waiting to bring up the compliment and make me feel bad about it (‘well look at you, you don’t have problems with the language, the prof said you speak well).  But, here’s the thing, I changed how I behaved.  I said to her, ‘we all have struggles in the language – for some that is orally and others it is grammar; for me, I struggle with writing the language and each person struggles in their own way.’  She responds, ‘well, I’m great at writing.’

That moment was a breakthrough.  If I hadn’t gotten to know her and decide for myself that getting to know her was something I wasn’t going to spend time on I would not have been able to be empathetic.  It would have been impossible for me to see her shame in not speaking the language well.  If I had allowed her to take advantage of me – emotionally – by not speaking my mind to her – there is no way I could see her shame.  I would be sitting in the swampland trying to dig myself out.

It was weird because I don’t have this strong urge of anger when she behaves narcissistically.  I addressed her remarks and will try to continue to do so when she shames me or others.  It is weird to walk away without the level of hate I have accumulated with regard to my narcissistic friends.  I often wonder if I had done this with them at the get go of our acquaintance would it have led to friendship?  Let me tell ya – Alba is not seeking friendship with me nor am I with her.  That is a point we both can agree on.

xxoo T

Report of Pupil Progress

I don’t have a lot of stuff from childhood.  My mother has repeatedly claimed to have thrown my stuff out and I tried to salvage what I could on my visits.  I do have a folder (with me here) that has records of my immunisations and old report cards from grade school to high school.

Here is my progress report when I was 7 years.

The teacher points out 2 things that struck me as interesting: I had difficulty working independently (without assistance) and oral communication.

So, if I translate this correctly I wait to do something until I am told (otherwise I would be in trouble) and I shouldn’t speak unless told to do so (otherwise I would be in trouble).  Yup, school was just like home.

This is my favourite part of the progress report:

“Your interest in your child’s progress in school is very important.  It will be of great help to him if each time you receive your child’s report card you go over each item very carefully with him.”

It is merely a suggestion?  It was surprising to read this now after all these years and after N.  I felt again the pain of how much my mother had dismissed me growing up.  Not just from not talking to me about any of report cards but also to making sure I was quiet and didn’t do anything until she told me to do so.  She wanted me to be quiet, sit still and do as told.  On that front, A+ all the way.

xxoo T

Abe Lincoln and the Girls

This past Wednesday was the 204th birthday of the 16th President of the United States of America.  Coincidentally, I went to the cinema last weekend and saw the movie, Lincoln.  There was so much of his communication style that came across in Daniel Day Lewis’s performance that made it intriguing to watch – having only ever read his words.

After watching the movie, I remembered an article that I had read a year ago and it had stuck in my head.  What we know is that he was a great communicator.  And often, the whole tale is not talked about it.  He saw how powerful of a communicator he was and he didn’t always use it purposefully.  I would love to hear your thoughts on the article.

On a totally unrelated subject, I started re-watching Gilmore Girls.  When I was writing my thesis in the fall of 2007 I discovered the show Gilmore Girls.  It was on at dinner time every day of the week and I was hooked.  It was such a great break to watch during the most stressful part of school for me.  The fast talking, heavy referenced dialogue made me laugh in the middle of it all.

And just last month they started re-playing the series again.  It is on at the time I start cooking dinner and enjoy having it on in the background while I’m in the kitchen.  I hadn’t thought about the show since I had seen it the first time around in late 2007/early 2008.

And then, I realised it.  I couldn’t believe it.  The family drama was about 3 generations of women and the grandmother behaved narcissistically.  In fact, the whole show’s theme is around the main character balancing and dealing with her N mother while trying to raise her daughter in a manner completely opposite to her upbringing.  The episodes have brought on a whole different perspective for me the second time around.  Isn’t that truth of us ACoNs?

xxoo T Reddy

N is for Negation.

When we (me and DH) went back home for my MiL’s funeral in October of 2012 we had 4 days after the service to see family and friends.  DH’s best friend – Lou (let’s call him) – lives an 1 hour away and we were able to see him a few times.

There were a few things that bugged me from our visits.  I recognised right away, Samy’s (Lou’s wife) N behaviours.  She is covert in her behaviours and I feel that I am getting better  at seeing her behaviours in real time.  Even after recognising them I walked away still feeling like something was off – you know the feeling.

I racked my brain and I gave up on it for a while.  And then one day it hit me.  Maybe it was from something I read but I saw what Samy had done.  She had negated.

I didn’t call it that when I was replaying the conversations in my head:

Lou absolutely loathes his job.  In fact, every time we see him he talks about it.  When he came to visit my FiL before the funeral he talked non-stop about his job.  The visits before that he talked all about his job and how much he can’t take it.  DH and I listened and listened and I could relate to his situation well – I had a job I loathed and it can consume your thoughts and eat up your life.  Most of the time he would end the conversations with potential solutions.  It has been 2 years.  And still we listen. 

One night we went out to a bar for drinks and he again proceeded to talk about his job.  I started to tune it out until at the end of the conversation Samy says to us: “I just tell him he should just be grateful for having a job”.  

Her comment bugged me.  She was negating his feelings.  Her behaviour suggested that he wasn’t grateful for his job.  Never once did DH or I assume he wasn’t grateful for having one in a slow economy.  And subtly she was trying to tell us that she is this awesome wife by telling him to look at the positive.  The fact of the matter is that one emotion does not negate another.  He feeling disappointed and frustrated at work does not equal ungratefulness.  She is simply saying that his current feelings about his job deny the existence of his gratitude for having a job.

That was like saying I can’t love DH and at the same time be angry at him for leaving his shoes in the hallway for the 254th time.  When I’m angry at him I still love him.  When I am jealous of my friend I still am at the same time happy for him/her.  One emotion does not negate another.

When we saw them after that incident this past holiday break something interesting happened.  DH and Lou left to go pick up the pizza and during the car ride Lou begins about his job.  But this time Lou immediately says after complaining ‘Oh but I’m grateful I have a job.’  My DH says to him “Because you don’t like your job doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for it, it just means you don’t like it”.  Samy was brainwashing him and it was working.  On a side note, go DH!

N is for negation.  It is like one thing cancels out a million other things.  Kinda like getting a gift from an N after they have treated you badly for the past year.

xxoo T Reddy

New Year

Happy New Year!  I wish you and your family enough.  Enough compassion, authenticity, resilience, gratitude, joy, intuition, calm, creativity, play, rest, laughter, music, dance and health.

I returned last week after a 3 week holiday visiting family and friends.   I am so looking forward to catching up with all the blogs that I read.  I am eager to get back to writing and share my experiences over the break and to celebrate 2 years of blogging!  

Here’s to making it a year of we are enough!

xxoo T

 

Myth #2: You either got it or you don’t

I sometimes felt like this about a lot of things – You either got it or you don’t.  Like some things were innate or instilled in me during childhood.  And if ya had a messed up childhood then you missed the bus.  Throughout this journey I have felt relief and found faith when I realised how much of this theory was just plain crazy stupid.  I share with you the great posts and reads that I re-read often that remind me of just how wrong these myths really are.

Removed from the list of “You either got it or you don’t”:

1.  Gumption.  Standing up for yourself.  This takes practice.  Everyday.  Kara writes 2 great posts about strengthing this muscle. (part 1, part 2)

2. Empathy.  is learned and needs to be practiced.  The dictionary defines it as an ability.  An ability we must learn.  If we haven’t learned it from our parents or primary caregivers we have to learn it and then, practice it. Empathy isn’t always received and given.  Everyone has obstacles to practicing it – even emotionally healthy people.  

3.  Shame.  is not an emotion reserved for those who go through trauma.  The only ones that don’t have it are psychopaths.  We don’t move on from shame, we move through it (regularly) to return to our self-worth.

4.  Positivity.  Positive people aren’t born with a permanent light inside of them; they see (and deal with) the dark because the dark defines the light.  It is human to see light and dark and in-between.  I love this post by Upsi because it reminds me that when I look at the dark things in life I am being critical and doing so isn’t negative but human.

5.  Healthy family.  PWC post.  Enough said.

6.  Healthy body/being in shape.  The majority of people with healthy bodies work hard at it.

7. Parenting skills.  Brené Brown said that parents with good parenting skills read about parenting constantly, take workshops and ask other parents for suggestions.  Actually, since my friends have become parents I have noticed that they do spend a lot of time reading parenting books, articles and asking their friends what has worked in certain situations.  Both literature and real life matched up.

8.  Authenticity. is a practice.  People are not just that way because of an X factor.  Brown summed it up:

Thank you for helping me bust these myths! Are there any others to add to the list?

xxoo T Reddy

Injury

I created this e-card on the someecards.com website.  Just for fun .  xxoo

 

Sympathy vs Empathy

It’s kinda hard to go back.  Looking at it the old way, the way you looked at it for years.  It’s how I felt about sympathy and empathy this month – two three syllable words that I often misspell and confuse.  I wanted to share with you my 1 month with the 2.

If you had to ask me before the month of October I would say that expressing sympathy is a safe bet for me.  If I haven’t walked a mile in your shoes than how in the world can I empathise with you?  I can’t empathise with you, my dear emotionally healthy friends – what is it like to interact rationally, compassionately with your FOO?  And my dear emotionally healthy friends you couldn’t understand the battle of an ACoN even if you tried.  You probably need to first run the marathon in our shoes before you came close.  Harsh, ain’t it?

That was my truth with sympathy and empathy.  But it came to a head when I started reading more about shame.  And more specifically trying to understand how to work through the emotion instead of hiding from the world like I would normally do.

I read more about it in the book, I Thought It Was Me (but it isn’t), by Brené Brown (not drinking the kool-aid).  Her approach to working through shame (shame resilience) is through empathy.

“Empathy is the antidote to shame.” – Brené Brown

Before I finished writing the rest of this post, I had a shame experience around empathy.  I had written an old post uncompassionately and it was brought to my attention in a kind and gentle manner (thank you)*.  I had written something I regretted and I felt bad and guess what, I wanted to numb and hide.  I recognised my numbing behaviours (I have many) and stopped myself.  So, I let myself feel the shame – and it totally sucked.

What was my shame?  Was it that I potentially hurt someone’s feelings?  Was it that I lack empathy?  Was it that I didn’t want to be seen as a narcissist because I lacked empathy/compassion in a post?  Believe it or not, shame has a lot to do with how we would like to be perceived.  My shame was all of the above and it took me about the whole day to work through all of it.  Fortunately, my bf had a work dinner so I had the place to myself.

I felt I had gone about 5 steps backwards.  If I am to develop shame resilience how can I do so without behaving empathetically.  Ugh.  Frustration was very high.  And confusion added to the frustration.

I knew that empathy and I were lost.  Somewhere in the swampland of shame**.

“The purpose is not to walk-in and (ya know) construct a home and live there, it is to put on some galoshes and walk through and find our way around.” ~ Brené Brown (TED-talks, 2012)

And ya, we can’t live in the swamp forever so, I put on my wellies.  Here’s what I discovered when walking-in.

It’s hard to search or read about empathy without hearing the word sympathy.  As much as I could have made a great argument that the two are similar.  They are not.

In fact, when I looked them up in Oxford’s English Dictionary they don’t even mean similar things:

Sympathy:  1.  feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune  

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

There are 3 definitions for sympathy, I included the one in relation to feelings.  Empathy has only one definition.

But for me, sometimes nice, neat definitions don’t mean much when I’m trying to figure out how I’m feeling.  (insert hindsight: the defs. make more sense a bit later for me)

And I got to the chapter on empathy in Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t). There is so much in this chapter but I’ll highlight the parts that touched me the most in my recovery.

The way we feel when someone sympathises with us is the total opposite to how we feel when someone empathises with us.  I could totally relate when I read Brown’s examples so I will share with you an example of how my dear boyfriend (bf) and a friend reacted to a similar story about when I wrote something I regretted.

When I shared the story with my bf his response was, “Yeah, I’ve written some e-mails at work too that could be classified as nasty-grams.  We’ll all done it.”  When I have shared a story like this with one of my girlfriends, her response was ‘Wow, I would never have done that.’

With my bf’s response I feel like he understood how I was feeling and that I wasn’t alone.  I am not the only one in this world who has written something that he/she has regretted.  My girlfriend’s response made me feel alone.  That I was flawed because I was the only one who would do something like that and that actually led to more shame (not knowing it at the time).

It is hard to see my gf’s response as sympathetic but it is a matter of wording.  She and some other friends have often said ‘I’m sorry for you or That’s a pity that happened’.  Receiving responses like these when sharing a shame experience does not make us feel better and I began to understand why.  It caused separation between us as friends, as human beings.  I belong here (in this box) – writing uncompassionately – and she belongs over there – never have or will do something like that.  Pure disconnection.

But sympathy was still a little fuzzy and then Brown discussed sympathy seeking behaviours.  A trait that is common among narcissists and one I am guilty of as well.  Sometimes a person wants sympathy.  We are actively seeking sympathetic comments and this, in the end, leads to no one feeling better.

When sympathy is the goal no one is healthier for it.  From Brown’s book I learned, the person seeking it ‘really’ isn’t better off and the person who gives it feels used and abused.  When we seek sympathy it is as if we are telling the world that we are the only ones allowed to feel like this (entitlement), we have it the roughest (one-upper) and no one possible can understand us (I’m here and you’re over there).  BUT yet, we still want our uniqueness to be validated with a sympathetic response.

I have often sought sympathy from my emotionally healthy friends with regard to my battle as an ACoN.  I am unique and different from you because I have gone through this trauma during my childhood.  In the end, I never felt better just worse.  And I’m sure that didn’t help build a connection with my friends.

So then it brought me back to empathising in situations where we haven’t walked in each other’s shoes.  For example, my friends who don’t have childhood trauma and are emotionally healthy.  Can they empathise with me?  And what about the fact that my boyfriend’s mother passed away last month while both my parents are still living.  Can I empathise with him?  Or just sympathise?

How do we understand each other when our experiences can be extremely different?  And it was like I felt like I should have known this all along.  We understand each other’s feelings, emotions.  The last time I checked fear, jealously, anger, happiness, joy, grief, betrayal, sadness, depression, shame, hate, love, etc. exist in China, USA, India, UK, Brazil, Germany, etc.  Emotions are a human experience.

Empathy, I learned the hard way, is not about 100% understanding someone’s experience or situation.  It is about tapping into our own feelings and understanding it in another from their perspective (insert note: defs. become clearer).

So, can my emotionally healthy friends fully understand what it is like in this battle as an ACoN – No.  But they can understand how it feels to have someone you love and trust betray you, they can understand how it feels to have someone you love and trust more than anything in the world get angry at you and yell at you and make you feel bad.  They can understand the fear of disappointing someone you love.  They can understand what it is like to feel not enough – unworthy.

And for my dear bf who lost his mother one month ago, I can empathise with him.  I cannot 100% understand the death of a parent but I can share in his feelings of loss and grief.  I have lost my mother a long time ago.  The way I grieve for her is the same feeling he grieves for his mother.  Both our mothers are no longer present in our lives – that connects us.

As the definitions and, more importantly, the distinction between the 2 became more clear, I realised that empathy is only possible if we can tap into our emotions.  Be able to feel all of it – anger, happiness, grief, jealously, etc.  And that’s not easy for me but it is not impossible.

Thank you for allowing me to share here and always.

xx T Reddy

*I appreciate all the comments that I receive and I love how we learn from each other.  Please continue to challenge what I write.  There are times when we communicate with each other that it might trigger shame in each of us.  Shame is different for everyone – our triggers are different.  Shielding someone from shame is not the answer (nor in anyone’s best interests), helping each other out of the swampland to a place of self-worth is our human connection.

**Jungian psychology refers to shame as the swampland of the soul.